It's been over five months since my last post. Hmm...sounds a bit like I'm in a confessional, or an AA meeting. Well, it may be fitting considering what I've been through in the last nine months. I have some confessions, and I have some moments of achievement. I have things I need to tell you about, because writing brings me peace, and I have some things to tell you about that I'm not proud of, but I believe they will encourage someone else who may be experiencing the same sorts of issues.
A lot of you know most of my story, but maybe not the most recent parts. For the sake of not making this the longest post I've ever written, I will write my entire story in another post or, perhaps, just keep adding to the book I'm finally writing. For those of you who have some time and would like to know more about me, you can click on the drop-down menu to the right of this post where it says "Blog Archive" and you can read bits of my story at a time, starting when I began to blog in 2009.
So...confession time. BUT, after every confession, I'm adding a positive confession from scripture that I'm speaking over my life in each of these areas.
~ I lost my Dad to brain cancer on April 1st of this year and I am still completely heartbroken. Most of the time, I walk around feeling like my world has been tipped upside-down and I'm just wandering. Wandering through memories, some appearing as if out of a dense fog and others as clear as if I was actually still living in that moment. My name is Tracie, and I feel broken and weak. (Isaiah 42:3)
~ There are a lot of days where I've hidden in my room while my lovely girls play and make their own meals, simply because I need to cry and pray, and I hate seeing the looks of worry on their faces. But also because I literally have no energy to make meals, deal with dishes, listen to whining, answer a million questions, etc., etc. "Are you OK, Mommy? Do you miss Papa?" they ask as they place their still-little hands in mine. No girls, I'm not OK. Yes, I miss Papa so much that I feel like my heart is actually breaking and the earth is going to swallow me up. That's the truth. But, what do we moms do instead? We tell our children something that will comfort them, and it's not always how we truly feel. "Yes, girls. I'm OK. I miss Papa very much, but he's in the best place he can be and everything is going to be fine." My name is Tracie, and sometimes I'm not honest with my children. (Isaiah 54:10)
~ I have eaten more ice cream in the last four months than I have in my entire life. True story. My name is Tracie, and I currently have an ice cream addiction. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
~ I. am. tired. I am exhausted in every possible sense; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I had no idea what intense grief was going to feel like, and the toll it takes on your entire being. I have dreams about my Dad that are sometimes wonderful and sometimes scary. When I have a good one, I'm actually angry when I wake up and realize it was just a dream and my Dad is still gone. When I have a scary one (mostly re-living the weeks before he passed away,) I wake up and I'm relieved that my Dad is with Jesus. It's a constant yo-yo of emotions. Add the fact that one of my daughters has been waking me up almost every night for a few weeks now and you've got one momma that's seriously on the edge. My name is Tracie, and I'm weary. (Matthew 11:28)
~ This is my last confession, for now. I wear my game face a lot. Although, in the last few days, I've found it harder and harder to wear and I think it's melting off. Makeup is a most wonderful invention indeed. Eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara in particular are very good at hiding puffy eyelids that are swollen from crying. Concealer, if you have a good one, really can hide the dark or puffy circles under your eyes from the above mentioned exhaustion. However, unless someone can invent an automatic smile-maker, or "twinkle drops" to put the spark of life back in my eyes, then I'm really not hiding anything anymore. I have gone to every church service, church meeting or commitment, kids' Dr. appointments, my Dr. appointments, grocery stores, etc. since my Dad died. Every one. I've worn my game face to all but the last two church services this past weekend and to my daughter's class yesterday. Know why? Because I finally felt the Holy Spirit wrap His arms around my heart and the tears just flowed and flowed, melting my game face away. My name is Tracie, and I can't hide anymore. (Psalm 139)
I don't know if you've ever lost someone you love. I don't know if you've ever walked through the valley of the shadow of death with someone, and then walked through the darkness of grief. What I know is that it's hard. It's worse than I ever imagined it would be. But what I know the truth to be is that God is still with me even in the darkest moments. Even when I can't hear him, he's there. Even when I can't feel him, he's there. Even when I feel lost, I'm found. Even when I feel like I can't take another step, he's there to pick me up and carry me. God is with me. He's been with me through every moment of my life, and will continue to be with me until the end of the age. (Isaiah 43:2)
In one of his sermons this past year, my pastor said, "Don't trade the truth of what you know for what you don't understand." That statement has carried me through the process of losing my Dad. I don't understand why he wasn't healed. I don't know if I ever will. But, God is sovereign. He has each of our days numbered in His Book of Life. Not one of us will leave this earth a second before or after what he has already ordained for us. That gives me great hope. I don't need to understand why my Dad died. I just need to know that God is still with me. He's still with my Mom. He's still with my entire family and all our friends who loved my dad dearly. And, someday, we will be OK. I will be OK. (Joshua 1:9)
Even with everything I confessed to you, I've still persevered through it. I'm being the best I can be with where I'm at. I'm showing up, even if it is with my game face on. I'm honoring my commitments. I'm taking care of the basics around the house. Somehow it doesn't look like a tornado blew through here. Somehow our bills are getting paid. Somehow my kids are showered and fed and still know they're loved when they lay their heads on their pillows at night. My husband is being amazing and picking up the slack. Believe me, there's been a lot of slack to pick up and I couldn't do life without him right now. The only reason I've been able to have achievements in the midst of the things I'm not proud of is because of Jesus! His grace, His mercy, and His compassion for me are carrying me. (Psalm 6:9) His joy, even though it doesn't feel like "happy" joy, is giving me continual strength. (Psalm 59:16) His love and acceptance of me assures me that what I am lacking in right now, he is making up for it. His love covers all.
Maybe your situation isn't grieving a loss. Maybe it's depression, an addiction, a betrayal, or a financial hardship. Whatever your situation, whatever shortcomings you may have right now, know this... GOD LOVES YOU! I'll leave you with a few more scriptures.
Romans 8:38-39 says, "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Be encouraged today. (Psalm 43:5) Love, Tracie
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