I only have 45 minutes until it's officially Day 21 of 21 and I've fallen asleep at least three times just trying to write this first line. Haha! So, I'm going to try my best to finally finish today, Day 20, before I fall asleep again.
Today has been exhausting. Hailey was sick and home from school. I was basically taking care of her all day, along with trying to clean all three bathrooms, do laundry, pay some bills, make phone calls, wait for phone calls, and on and on it goes. It was also a day for a lot of "news" from three different people that I care deeply for. The news from the first person was good, but involves a close friend moving away. The news from the second person was bad, possible cancer based on test results today. And the news from the third person was good and a huge relief to me. From 8:00am until this evening, "news" just kept coming in.
Do you ever reach a point where your brain just shuts down? It's like it's saying, "OK, way too much input! Cannot compute!" That's how my brain has felt all day trying to process all the information it's been given. In the midst of taking care of my daughters and doing things around the house, I've been in constant prayer. My brain and heart can't handle all of this "input." I've had to continue giving all of it over to the Lord several times today because every time I was tempted to take it back and process it on my own I would get overwhelmed. I have been working really hard on casting my anxiety on Jesus and taking my thoughts captive.
When I was putting Hailey to bed tonight, she was feeling very overwhelmed. She's scared that she's sick again because she doesn't know how long it's going to last this time. She's tired of hurting and feeling so nauseated and dizzy. She just wants to feel good. I started to talk to her about how she needs to take her thoughts captive so that she doesn't get overwhelmed. I was trying to think of an analogy that a nine year old would understand. An image of a cowgirl with a lasso came to my mind.
I said, "OK, close your eyes and imagine you're a cowgirl. You're standing in a bull pen and you have a lasso in your hand, raised in the air. You're ready to wrangle the bulls that are coming at you so you can capture them. Can you see it?" She said she could. I said, "OK, now imagine that those bulls are your negative thoughts. The ones that are making you worried and afraid. Now, imagine that you're twirling your lasso in the air and catching each one of those thoughts. Now that you've caught them, you can lock them up and never think of them again. And if they try to come back, you just lasso them again and lock them up over and over if you have to. You see what I mean?" She said she understood what I was saying and she was smiling. She got it.
Then she said, "Mom, I want to see Jesus. I know he's right next to me but why won't he show himself to me? If he would just show me he's here with me then I wouldn't be scared anymore." Wow. I didn't know what to say to her at first. But I said, "I know it's hard to understand, but we have to have faith that even though we can't see him, that he's still right here with us. He promised us he would never leave us or forsake us. That's how we know he's always with us, even when we can't see him with our eyes." Then I asked her, "Would you like me to pray that even though you can't see him, you'll be able to feel His presence? Like a big, warm hug around you?" She nodded and said, "Yes, please Mom. Do you think I really could?" I said, "Yes. I know you could."
So, I prayed. I prayed to Jesus with all my heart that the presence of the Holy Spirit would fill her room and that he would wrap his arms around her so she would feel it. I watched in awe as her pain-filled face filled with peace. I watched her worried frown turn into a smile and I asked her if she could feel it. She sighed deeply and nodded. The next instant, she was asleep and she's been asleep ever since.
Sometimes I feel so helpless as a mother. Especially when my child is in pain and I can't take it away. But, I know The One who can take her pain away. And I know he's with me. What a privilege it is for me to be able to pray over my daughter and see my prayers answered right before my eyes. What an amazing God I serve. The God that created the heavens and the earth heard my cry for my baby, and he cared enough for me, and especially for her, to answer me right away in that moment so that she would feel him. How thankful I am to my Savior, who loves me so much. He is the only reason I could ever be a mother. I could never do this without him. I say this often and I mean it... He is forever faithful. With three minutes to spare I will say, "Until tomorrow then..."
Love,
Tracie
Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. ~ Psalm 36:5
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