Pain and patience. Those two words are hard to put into the same sentence. When we experience pain, patience seems to fly right out the window. Who wants to wait patiently for the pain to go away? Nobody I know. We want the pain to stop, NOW. We pop some pills, or we do a yoga pose, we meditate or try to distract ourselves, we pray and beg God to make it stop. We'll do anything to try to make the pain go away as quickly as possible. Well, what if you try all of those things and more, and the pain is still there? What do you do then? I've asked myself that question many times over these almost eighteen years.
I am in a great deal of pain today, so I was reading the Bible and searching for words of peace and comfort (which I always find.) I ended up at Isaiah 41:28-31. It says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
What an amazing passage of scripture! It was water for my soul. I admit that I've grown a bit weary over this season in my life. I will be 36 years old in July and I've been in pain for almost eighteen years. Half of my life has been spent in pain. I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me. It just hit me today how long I've been on this journey. I remember so vividly when all of this first began. I was so confused, but I was still hopeful because the pain hadn't become chronic yet. A lot of people who have been in chronic pain for any length of time tend to lose their hope. I guess you could call it "natural" to feel that way. However, I have chosen to live my life in the supernatural. I choose to put my faith in a God I've never seen, yet I know He's real. I choose to have a personal and real relationship with Jesus Christ. I talk to him constantly. That, my friends, is why I am still sane. It's why I made the decision to have children, not knowing at the time if I would even be able to take care of them, because I could barely take care of myself. I knew God wanted me to be a mother and I knew he would give me everything I needed to raise my children. And he has.
Back to patience. That is one fruit of the spirit that has been really hard for me to embrace. Especially being patient in dealing with chronic pain. Everything in me rejects pain and wants it to end, but it hasn't. I admit, there have been many days when I've had a sense of hopelessness. I used to be really hard on myself for feeling that way, but that only made things worse. Jesus understands suffering. He understands every emotion that we feel. The end of verse 28 in that passage in Isaiah says, "...and his understanding no one can fathom." He understands us better than we ever will. He is our Creator! He does not grow tired or weary in helping us. He is always ready and willing to listen to us when we cry out to him. His power and strength never diminish. We get our strength from him.
I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm a really strong person. But, I usually don't take the credit for being strong and I've had people get upset with me for that. Yes, I can say that I'm a strong person. Yes, I'm willing to take some of the credit for not being a complete and total mess by now. I mean, I do have free will to choose how I'm going to handle challenges in my life. But, without Jesus by my side every single day of this journey, I know for a fact that I would either be on drugs, be an alcoholic, or even be dead. That is how bad the suffering has been. It's not just pain...it's neurological sensations that are very unsettling, it's constant muscle spasms and muscle weakness, it's the emotional struggles that go along with all of it. It's so much more than just "pain."
We have a choice. We can choose to hope, or we can choose to despair. I've done both. Let me just say that hope is obviously the better option, but it's not always the easiest. It's much easier to fall into despair and pity and camp there. It takes work to have an attitude of faith and hope. To hope in the Lord is to expect that his promise of strength will help us get through the challenges we face. It means fully trusting in him. When we trust him, then we can be patient when he asks us to wait for our answer or our deliverance, fully expecting him to fulfill the promises in his Word. If we aren't patient, then we aren't trusting him completely.
When I start to get antsy and impatient with suffering, I have to go back and evaluate my trust level. Do I only trust God for some things and not others? Do I really trust that he's going to heal me? Do I believe that the promises in his Word are for me? Those are tough questions to ask myself, but I need to. He has given me every reason to trust him and not a single reason not to. So, what do I need to do? I need to go back to a childlike trust in Jesus. A trust that says, "Father, I know that you are taking care of me. I know that you love me and are doing what is best for me always. Help me to trust you even though my body hurts so bad. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for healing me. I love you."
If you are suffering, just know how much Jesus loves you and that he understands your pain. He will give you the strength you need to make it through any challenge. Even if it feels like it's going to kill you. You can trust him no matter what.
