Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pain Is Just Pain, Right?

Someone said to me a long time ago, "Pain is just pain.  Period.  Pain takes on many things other than what it is when we attach negative emotions to it.  Things like fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc."  I've been thinking about this a lot this week.  It's one of those subjects that kind of makes my head spin a little bit.  I think the reason is because, for me at least, pain is a cycle of all of those things and a vicious one at that.  Pain in its true form really is "just pain".  However, pain that is chronic begins to cause people to attach other things to it, emotional things.  The area of the brain that processes emotion is very close to the area that processes pain.  I'm now a firm believer in the doctors who discovered the "mind-body connection".  Our minds and our bodies are very much connected.  I'll give you some examples of how we can begin to attach emotions to our pain.

The first example would be a simple one.  Let's say I slam my thumb in a door.  I would usually have a reaction of, "Ouch! Dang, that hurts! (Or, depending on the injury, other words may come out.  After all, I'm not perfect.)  Anger is usually the first emotion, followed by annoyance at the fact that now I have to deal with the throbbing for a while and it will be at the forefront of my brain until the initial shock and pain begin to wear off.  However, these are short-lived emotions because I know that my thumb will heal and it will feel better relatively soon.  Things like fear and depression don't come into play here.  I don't need to be afraid of the pain because I know exactly what is causing it and I know what will fix it.  I also know that there is an end to it.

The second example is a little trickier.  Let's say I break my arm.  I may have the same reaction at first of some anger and annoyance, but it's a lot more painful than slamming my thumb in a door, therefore, other emotions may come into play.  Things like fear..."What if the bone doesn't heal correctly?  What if I need surgery?  What if I lose mobility?"  Questions like that.  What if you had a special event planned that night and you can't go now because of your arm?  What emotions might attach themselves to the pain?  Anger, disappointment, depression (depending on how much I was looking forward to the event), etc.  Beyond any immediate plans being ruined, now I have to wait for the bone to heal, which will mean that I will be impaired and inconvenienced for several weeks.  However, these emotions are most likely going to be relatively short-lived as well because I know that I will be getting my cast off in a matter of weeks, maybe a couple months.  I know that there will be an end to it.

The third example is the example of my life.  The pain in my foot started about 16 1/2 years ago with a tiny stress fracture in the bottom of my foot.  I went on a long and very steep hike and apparently my shoes weren't supportive enough to handle all the tree roots and rocks along the way.  About a week after the hike, I was starting to not be able to walk very well, especially barefoot.  It felt like there was a rock in the bottom of my foot underneath my third toe.  So, I went to the foot doctor.  He x-ray'd it and told me I had a stress fracture and that he'd give me a walking boot and some orthotics, along with a strong anti-inflammatory drug, and that I would be fine in 4-6 weeks.  "Great! I thought."  I was annoyed, yes.  I was frustrated because it was my driving foot and I did a lot of driving for my job.  It was very painful.  But, aside from just the pain and frustration of it, there really wasn't any other emotions attached.  I knew there would be an end.  Or so I thought...

What has transpired over the past 16 years was beyond anything I ever expected to come from a stress fracture in my foot.  The pain began to creep up into my ankle, then my calf, then knee, then hip, etc.  Then it jumped over to my left foot and leg and up into my right arm and the side of my face.  This process took years, but is now a daily part of my life.  It's hard to explain the pain, but it resembles what I think it would feel like if an animal was gnawing on me, mauling me.  The nerve pain is incredibly sharp and takes my breath away.  I have constant spasming in my right foot, toes, and calf that began in 1997 and hasn't stopped since.  Talk about annoying!  When I'm "at rest" I still don't feel like I'm resting because my toes are moving non-stop.  There are many other sensations that are almost impossible to describe, but all of them are pretty much like torture.  I'm telling you this to show you how I've allowed myself to attach many emotions to the pain over the years.

Long-term pain is exhausting.  Not just physically, but mentally as well.  It's full of disappointment.  I can't tell you how many things I've missed out on over the years...things that were incredibly important to me, and to the people I love.  Things I felt were stolen from me...relationships, college, career, friendships, ministry opportunities, Christmas programs my kids were in, vacations, the list goes on and on.  This type of continual disappointment led to major depression, which led to hopelessness and anger, which led to bitterness and resentment, and finally, grief.  I wish I would have learned sooner how to live in the moment and just deal with the moment only instead of the past, the moment, and the future all in one.  I'm still learning how to do that.  It's really, really difficult. 

We humans are future thinkers.  We were designed that way.  However, worrying about the future isn't in the plan.  Planning for the future, being hopeful for the future, those things are in the plan.  I think what chronic pain does is it makes the future uncertain.  Fear of the future and the unknown begins to set in.  It happened to me because something that I thought was going to have an end never came to an end, and it's still going strong all these years later.  It didn't help when the doctors that I was expecting to have answers for me didn't have the answers I wanted to hear.  Most of them didn't have answers at all.  It took ten years for me to be diagnosed with what is now called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.  Once I was diagnosed, I was told that because it hadn't been caught in the early stages that there was nothing they could do for me other than strong pain medication, or a spinal pump, and even that wasn't guaranteed to provide significant relief.  I was devastated.

I've said all of this to say, just be aware of your emotions when you are dealing with pain.  Even something as simple as slamming your thumb in a door.  The best advice I can give anyone in pain after dealing with pain for so long is to give everything to God, with thankfulness, every single day.  If you have to give the pain to God 100 times a day because you keep trying to take it back on yourself, then so be it.  I've said before that some things are much easier to cast at Jesus' feet and leave there than others.  Pain that is intense and unrelenting is very hard to hand over at times because it's so "in your face".  Yet, Jesus bore our pain on the cross.  He bore the pain and the sin of the world so that we could be free from pain.  So, know how much He loves you and give your pain to him to handle.  I know I sure can't handle this pain on my own.  I've tried and failed countless times.  Also, know that the pain we experience here on earth WILL come to an end.  Above all, stay close to Jesus and be in His Word as much as you can.  It will strengthen you, encourage you, and remind you that you are not alone.  No matter what you've been through because of the pain, no matter what you've lost, no matter the rejection you may have experienced, God is for you, He is with you, and He loves you.  He says in Isaiah 41:9-10,

"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My goal for 2012 is to remember that pain is just pain, and to not attach all these other negative emotions to it.  Part of me thinks it's going to be a bit impossible because I'm a highly emotional person, but I'm sure gonna try my best.  My other goal is to laugh as much as possible.  I'm sure laughing through tears will be happening on a consistent basis, but hey, tears are always better with laughter mixed in.  I will also be praying for those of you who are in pain as well.  We are all in this life together, so let's encourage one another.  And remember, everyone is going to be in pain at some point in their life, so be gentle with people.  People in pain don't always look like they're in pain.  Take it from a professional "game-facer"!  Love one another and the rest will fall into place.