There will be times in your life when you will be tempted to think that God has forgotten all about you, or that He doesn't care. I'm here to tell you that I have been there, and it's a lonely place to be. But, I'm also here to tell you that even though I felt like God wasn't there, He was indeed with me the whole time. Sometimes God chooses to be silent. However, silence is not the absence of His presence. I call these silent times in my life "sound booth moments." I just came up with that phrase this afternoon.
This morning, I went to an audiologist to have balance testing done. The doctors wanted to test me to see if my inner ear is damaged or if there's another reason for the vertigo I've been dealing with these past seven months. The testing began with lovely computerized goggles strapped to my face to measure my eye movements. I had to follow a series of red lights moving this way and that along what looked like a very long, skinny plasma screen on the wall, using only my eyes, not moving my head. Easy, right? Well, I suppose once upon a time it would have been easy for me. However, for a person who's already dizzy, it was challenging. I then had to lie down flat, wearing the super sexy (and, might I add, heavy) goggles while the doctor blew pressurized warm air straight into my ear canal. The warm air was going to be done in both ears, followed by cool air in both ears. It didn't sound too terrible when he was describing what he was about to do. But let me tell you, if I would have known what was coming I don't know that I would have let the testing continue. As if it wasn't bad enough wearing these heavy goggles, he then proceeded to lower a flap over the lenses that made my world completely pitch black.
Before he started the air, he told me that he needed me to keep talking during the test. "Me? Keep talking? No problem!" I thought. He told me he wanted me to say boys' names starting with A and try to get to Z, and that each time he did the air we would switch categories of things to name off, (girls' names, animals, places, etc.) Again, I thought, "No problem. That's easy." So, he started with the warm air. I think I got to N during the first round of warm air in my right ear. The test made me so dizzy and I could hardly concentrate. Apparently, that's the point of the test. The dizzier you become, the harder it is to think and concentrate on things that would normally be a breeze. They measure how your concentration is, along with your eye movements. Your eyes tell them a lot about how dizzy you are by how much they try to correct themselves even when it's pitch black. I got a little further up the alphabet during the second round of warm air in my right ear and thought, "OK, cool. It gets easier as you go along." Then he switched to the left ear.
It was much worse than the right ear, but still fairly tolerable once the flap was removed and the dizziness stopped. However, when he switched to the cool air, it was an entirely different story. I felt like Alice In Wonderland spiraling down the rabbit hole. I haven't been scared to the point of crying in a long time, but that did it for me. I only got to F, I think, on the first round. The second round, I got to C. I can't even describe the feeling, but my guess is that it would be similar to sitting in one of those rotating chairs that astronauts train in, completely blindfolded. Even though I knew that I was, in fact, in a solid building lying on a solid table, my brain couldn't rationally think that way. I was gripping the table, crying, and feeling really stupid. I was mostly feeling stupid because for the life of me, I couldn't think of an animal that started with the letter C. We had to keep moving, so we skipped several letters and finally he asked me to tell him about my kids. It was awful. (Not the telling him about my kids part. The dizzy part.) When the test was over I said, "Please tell me I'm not the first person to cry in here." The doctor assured me I wasn't and said I was lucky because he's had people vomit, hyperventilate, and have full-blown panic attacks from that test. After he told me that, I did feel lucky...and grateful that I inherited my Dad's iron stomach. Then, I wondered if the person before me had vomited on that very table recently...hmmm.
The next step was the hearing test. I thought it was going to be the simple "raise your hand when you hear the tone" test, but it was much more elaborate. I was put in a completely sound-proof room. They call it "the icebox." I don't know if I've ever been in a completely sound-proof room before. If I have, I don't remember. When I walked into the room, my hearing automatically changed. It was the first time I've ever been in a place so silent that all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating. We did the tone part of the test where I pushed a handheld button when I heard the tones. That was followed by repeating words that the doctor was saying as he started out at a normal volume and then brought it lower and lower. That was followed by repeating words that a man on a CD was saying. Then the doctor came in and put some kind of crazy headset on different points on my head and face and asked when the sound coming out of the earpiece was the loudest, and which ear I was hearing it from. I think there were a couple other things, but I can't remember at the moment.
The final step was to sit in a chair that not only moved from side-to-side, but also spun completely around. The chair was in what looked like a stand-up tanning booth with black walls. The doctor put three sticky pads on my temples and forehead and connected them to wires, then put a strap across my head to hold it still. He closed the door and everything was pitch black again. He then proceeded to move the chair from side-to-side, at different speeds, sometimes coming to an abrupt stop, then side-to-side again. I'm not sure if the chair actually spun all the way around but it sure felt like it. The "grand finale," as he called it, was a series of stripes that appeared on the wall of the circular booth. I guess only the lines on the wall were moving, but it felt like the chair was spinning as fast as it could to the left. It very much reminded me of the Teacup Ride at Disneyland, only I wasn't having fun. He told me the chair test wouldn't make me dizzy. He lied. You know, like when you tell someone, "It won't hurt a bit!" even when you know that it might actually hurt very much. Anyway, once that was over it only took a couple minutes to feel back to "normal" again. I was done. I survived.
Back to the "sound booth moments" of life. Even though I knew the doctor was on the other side of the window, I still felt alone in that completely silent room. I wasn't sure what was coming next. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to hear certain things. I was straining to hear at times and all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating and the breath coming and going from my nose. It made me think of the times in my life where I've felt like God was completely silent. Times where I was straining to hear His voice and, instead, was met with only the sound of the birds chirping outside, or the dishwasher humming. Every thought in my head seemed so much louder than usual. It seemed like I could hear every other sound except His voice. I felt like even if I was in a completely silent place, like a sound booth, I still wouldn't be able to hear him. The point is, when God is ready to speak he'll speak. Don't worry about straining to hear his voice. If he's trying to get through to you, he'll find a way. What we need to do is not be discouraged in the "sound booth moments." God may not speak to us right away, and he may not answer us when we want him to, but it doesn't mean that he has left us.
Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." It's important that we make time to be "silent" before the Lord, especially if there is something we are really seeking him about. It may be impossible to be in a completely silent place, but God can and will speak to you wherever you are, no matter what you're doing, in His timing. If you find yourself in a "sound booth moment," just relax and know that even if you can't hear God, he's still there. Even if you can't see him, he's still there. Think of God as being "on the other side of the glass" just like my doctor was. I couldn't hear him, and there was a time when I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there and I knew he wasn't going to leave me in the sound booth any longer than was necessary. And if you find yourself feeling like you're spinning out of control down a rabbit hole, remember that the God who holds the earth in the palm of his hand is also holding you, and He won't let go.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tonight, I'm Angry
What I'm about to say may shock you. Listening to my 7 year old say her bedtime prayers tonight made me really angry. Now, let me explain. I listened to her pray her sweet prayers for our family and friends, and then the usual random things like for God to sew up her Lammy (her lovey), or just bring her a new one for Christmas, etc. But then she began to pray for me. What came out of her little heart broke my heart. She prayed for God to heal me so that I wouldn't have to lie on the couch anymore. So that I could go to Motorworld with her, and other fun places. So that I wouldn't have to cry so much anymore...and a few other things I can't even remember now because I had already started crying by that point. (While trying to hide it from her, of course, since she had just prayed that I wouldn't cry anymore.) Sigh. I didn't get angry until after I left her room.
I went in my room and lied down on my bed and this anger started to stir in me. Anger that is from a deep place inside of me. Anger that has been in my heart since I was 18 years old. Anger at pain. Anger at loss. Anger at rejection. Anger at fear. Anger at...so many things. I feel like I've been robbed of so much. If I'm really being honest here. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and grateful for my life. I have much more to be thankful for than not. This is not a pity party and it's not to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm just exercising my freedom to write down what I feel and share it with people who want to read it. The only reason why I share my feelings and parts of my story is because of the hope I have that someone will read it and be encouraged by it. Or at the very least, that they will be able to relate to it in some way and know that they are not alone.
I have been in pain almost every single day for the last 17 years. When I really sit and think about that, I'm kind of amazed that I'm not a total nut case by now. I remember how angry I was for so long. Angry at what? A lot of things, I guess. The devil, for one. I know he's played a major part in this area of my life. Myself. For not realizing sooner some of the things I know now that could have saved me years of grief. My boyfriend of almost 3 years, who broke up with me because I couldn't mountain bike with him anymore. My first husband, for publicly humiliating me when I was in pain, among many other abusive things. My friends, who abandoned me because I couldn't go out with them anymore. The loss of a college education, because I couldn't walk across campus or sit in a classroom to focus because the pain was so bad. The doctors, who didn't have a clue what to do with me and told me it was all in my head. The list goes on and on.
Tonight, I am not angry about any of those things anymore. I have long since forgiven the people who have hurt me, and everything else regarding those issues has been resolved. Tonight, I guess I am angry at the situation. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm done with this. Having said that, because I'm not actually "done with this", I know that my job is to keep going, no matter how difficult it is. My job is to stay thankful and grateful for all of the blessings in my life. But can we keep it real for just a sec? In the words of my amazing Dad this morning, "I'm a Christian, but I'm also human." In my humanness, I'm angry. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to have vertigo anymore. I want to get on with what God has called me to do. I want to be a Mom that can take my kids anywhere they want to go. I want to be a wife to my husband; one that doesn't fall asleep on the couch every night at 8:00. I want to snowboard with him, and maybe even water-ski someday. I want to go hiking (if I can find some real mountains around here.) Most of all, I want to fly to Honduras and meet the little girl that I have been sponsoring for 8 years. I want to hug her and tell her how often I think of her and her family. I want to go on missions to rescue young people from sex trafficking. There are so many things that I want to do, but can't. Yet.
This anger that I'm feeling is going to be fuel that ignites an even deeper passion to do all that I can with the resources I have while I'm waiting for my healing to come, because it is coming. I can still use what's in my hands, even if it's not what I want at the moment. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." There have been many times over the past 17 years when I've just wanted to lie down and quit. Just give up. I've never been able to do that though because that would mean I'd be giving up on God. He's never given up on me, so I will never give up on him. Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength that comes from the Holy Spirit. He didn't let pain, fatigue, or criticism force him off the job of serving the Lord, and neither will I.
Anger is not an emotion that you want to hang onto for long. However, in my case tonight, I'm going to put it to good use. I'm going to turn up the heat on the devil and make sure he knows just who he's messing with when he messes with me. I am a child of God. He messes with me, he messes with God. Just like when someone messes with my kids, they mess with me. And you can guarantee they won't get away with it. I am going to get up every day and put on the armor of God, because I will need it. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6:12-13. Later on, in verses 19 & 20, Paul says, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." I am amazed at his words. He was in prison, yet he was undiscouraged and undefeated as he wrote those powerful words to the Ephesians. He didn't ask them to pray that his chains would be removed, but that he would continue to speak fearlessly for Christ in spite of them. I'm not in physical chains right now, but I do feel like I'm chained to pain. However, God can use us in any circumstance to do his will. Even as we pray for a change in our circumstances, we should also pray that God will accomplish his plan through us right where we are. I know his eternal purpose, and that is what is getting me through nights like tonight.
I went in my room and lied down on my bed and this anger started to stir in me. Anger that is from a deep place inside of me. Anger that has been in my heart since I was 18 years old. Anger at pain. Anger at loss. Anger at rejection. Anger at fear. Anger at...so many things. I feel like I've been robbed of so much. If I'm really being honest here. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and grateful for my life. I have much more to be thankful for than not. This is not a pity party and it's not to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm just exercising my freedom to write down what I feel and share it with people who want to read it. The only reason why I share my feelings and parts of my story is because of the hope I have that someone will read it and be encouraged by it. Or at the very least, that they will be able to relate to it in some way and know that they are not alone.
I have been in pain almost every single day for the last 17 years. When I really sit and think about that, I'm kind of amazed that I'm not a total nut case by now. I remember how angry I was for so long. Angry at what? A lot of things, I guess. The devil, for one. I know he's played a major part in this area of my life. Myself. For not realizing sooner some of the things I know now that could have saved me years of grief. My boyfriend of almost 3 years, who broke up with me because I couldn't mountain bike with him anymore. My first husband, for publicly humiliating me when I was in pain, among many other abusive things. My friends, who abandoned me because I couldn't go out with them anymore. The loss of a college education, because I couldn't walk across campus or sit in a classroom to focus because the pain was so bad. The doctors, who didn't have a clue what to do with me and told me it was all in my head. The list goes on and on.
Tonight, I am not angry about any of those things anymore. I have long since forgiven the people who have hurt me, and everything else regarding those issues has been resolved. Tonight, I guess I am angry at the situation. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm done with this. Having said that, because I'm not actually "done with this", I know that my job is to keep going, no matter how difficult it is. My job is to stay thankful and grateful for all of the blessings in my life. But can we keep it real for just a sec? In the words of my amazing Dad this morning, "I'm a Christian, but I'm also human." In my humanness, I'm angry. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to have vertigo anymore. I want to get on with what God has called me to do. I want to be a Mom that can take my kids anywhere they want to go. I want to be a wife to my husband; one that doesn't fall asleep on the couch every night at 8:00. I want to snowboard with him, and maybe even water-ski someday. I want to go hiking (if I can find some real mountains around here.) Most of all, I want to fly to Honduras and meet the little girl that I have been sponsoring for 8 years. I want to hug her and tell her how often I think of her and her family. I want to go on missions to rescue young people from sex trafficking. There are so many things that I want to do, but can't. Yet.
This anger that I'm feeling is going to be fuel that ignites an even deeper passion to do all that I can with the resources I have while I'm waiting for my healing to come, because it is coming. I can still use what's in my hands, even if it's not what I want at the moment. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." There have been many times over the past 17 years when I've just wanted to lie down and quit. Just give up. I've never been able to do that though because that would mean I'd be giving up on God. He's never given up on me, so I will never give up on him. Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength that comes from the Holy Spirit. He didn't let pain, fatigue, or criticism force him off the job of serving the Lord, and neither will I.
Anger is not an emotion that you want to hang onto for long. However, in my case tonight, I'm going to put it to good use. I'm going to turn up the heat on the devil and make sure he knows just who he's messing with when he messes with me. I am a child of God. He messes with me, he messes with God. Just like when someone messes with my kids, they mess with me. And you can guarantee they won't get away with it. I am going to get up every day and put on the armor of God, because I will need it. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6:12-13. Later on, in verses 19 & 20, Paul says, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." I am amazed at his words. He was in prison, yet he was undiscouraged and undefeated as he wrote those powerful words to the Ephesians. He didn't ask them to pray that his chains would be removed, but that he would continue to speak fearlessly for Christ in spite of them. I'm not in physical chains right now, but I do feel like I'm chained to pain. However, God can use us in any circumstance to do his will. Even as we pray for a change in our circumstances, we should also pray that God will accomplish his plan through us right where we are. I know his eternal purpose, and that is what is getting me through nights like tonight.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Who's Been In Your Seat?
Written September 8th, 2011
Last night, I was reading through my Facebook page kind of quickly. I just wanted to scan for a few updates from friends regarding if they'd had their baby yet, if they arrived safely home from their vacation, how they were feeling, etc. As much as I sometimes shake my head at the fact that Facebook is where I find out about such news, it is what it is and I'm grateful for the connections I've made because of it. Let's face it, most of us don't have time to pick up the phone and call twenty of our friends each day to find out how they're doing. As much as I would love to be able to do that, it's just not possible. When I'm doing the Facebook "just-the-facts please" scan, I usually skip over the other things that are in my News Feed such as videos, articles, notes, etc., but last night there was a video that caught my eye. I scrolled past it thinking that I would remember which friend posted it and watch it later if I had time. Well, something compelled me to go back and watch it right then. The video was titled, "In My Seat."
Although I have watched many videos about September 11th, I had never seen this one. This particular video is the story of an American Airlines pilot, First Officer Steve Scheibner, who was supposed to have been the pilot on American Airlines Flight 11, the first plane to hit the North Tower (Tower 1) of the World Trade Center. He had checked into the computer system as the scheduled pilot and packed his bags. All he was waiting for was the confirmation phone call from the airlines. He never got the call. He found out that another pilot had taken his place and he didn't have to go on the trip.
Originally, I wasn't going to write this article on the subject of September 11th. I think mostly because it stirs up many emotions in me that are very hard to deal with, even though it happened ten years ago. There are images from that day that will never leave my mind. Images that shook me to my core. However, when I watched this video, I didn't get discouraged, I got encouraged. This man gave glory to God. The part of the video that struck me the most was when he said that twenty years ago, he wrote a life objective. This is his Life Objective..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'" He wrote that years before the planes crashed into the twin towers.
I wonder how many of us have had someone else "take our seat." The seat that we were supposed to be in, the flight we were supposed to be on, the road we were supposed to take, the building we were supposed to go into... There have been times when I've had my plans all set to be somewhere at a certain time, but life got in the way. I spilled my coffee as I was walking out the door and had to go back in the house to change clothes, or one of my kids threw up as we were about to leave and I had to cancel my entire day of plans. I was really annoyed at the time, until I found out about a huge accident that happened not ten minutes after we were originally supposed to leave. The chances would have been very high that we would have been in the accident. Now, when things like that happen, I may still be annoyed, but I thank God for whatever the reason is for the delay. Because it very well could be His protection once again.
There was a time when I was living in Denver, Colorado and I was driving on the freeway to church one Easter Sunday morning. It was a very bright day and the sun was shining directly into my windshield, just low enough where the visor couldn't cover it. I had sunglasses on, but it was just too bright to see clearly. I was driving along in the middle lane not really thinking about anything in particular when all of a sudden, I came around a corner and saw a car driving straight towards me in my lane. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening and I swerved into the right lane just in time to look in my rear view mirror and see that car hit the car behind me head on. I screamed out and pulled over to the shoulder as fast as I could and cried. That could have been me, and nearly was. I found out later that the man driving toward me was an elderly man who had had a heart attack and his car drifted out of the HOV lane and into oncoming traffic. The people in both cars died instantly.
Who's been in your seat? Have you ever thought about it? Why does God take one life and leave another? These are questions we may never have answers to. We trust God that he knows our name. He knows how many days we will have on this earth. We are not to worry about things that are out of our control. Steve Scheibner said that the events of September 11th intensified his Life Objective. He's acting like he's living on borrowed time, because he is, and he's going to live his life with a sense of urgency. We are all living on borrowed time. The events of September 11th remind us of that. They remind us that life is fragile and that unexpected and terrible things happen. However, they should also remind us that God is still in control. There are thousands of stories of people who were supposed to be in the twin towers that day, or on the flights that crashed, but because of different circumstances they weren't. Someone else was "in their seat."
There were many different emotions that circulated around the events of that fateful day in September of 2001. People asked me, "What kind of God do you serve that would allow something like this to happen? How can you call him a loving God? Where is he as these people are jumping from the buildings?" I must admit, at the time, I didn't know how to answer them that would satisfy them in their grief. The shock and the pain was too much for them to absorb. Yet, in the midst of all the grief and pain, a revival began to break out in the days and weeks following the attacks. America came together in unity. With as many people who were angry at God, many people turned to God. Churches were flooded with people looking for answers and comfort. Neighbors began talking to neighbors. People began helping strangers and showed kindness like they never had before. Many good things came out of this terrible tragedy. I pray that now, more than ever, that revival would break out again. That people would turn to God like never before, realizing that they are indeed living on borrowed time. The great revival that happened around September 11th did what all revivals do. It slowed down over time as people moved on with their lives. People got "tired of hearing about it" every year. I pray that we never get tired of hearing about it. I pray that we will honor and remember every single person who perished. Not just in the planes and towers, but all the firefighters, policemen, and everyone on the ground, our military, who have been serving and fighting diligently ever since to bring to justice every evil person responsible for these lives lost. Let us not return to our foolish ways, and let us not become "familiar" with these events to the point where we are numb and purposely ignorant. Now is the time for revival to come again!
Psalm 85:8-13 says, "I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints - but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." The psalmist was asking God to revive his people, bringing them back to spiritual life. Revival starts with us, in our heart. Ask God to give you a fresh touch of his love. If we want to see revival in our nation then it has to begin with us, as individuals. Nothing is impossible for God. He can and will revive all that has been lost. You have to choose to accept his love. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Guess what? He loves you anyway and there's nothing you can do about it. So, let us remember who is the Author of our faith, who is in control of our lives. Let us not return to our foolish ways. Let us proceed with faithfulness toward the cause of his Kingdom, to tell others about Jesus and to help them grow in their faith so that the gospel can reach the world. Let us prepare the way for the Lord because He is coming soon. Let us never forget the events of September 11th, but let them be a reminder that even in the midst of tragedy, evil, and chaos, God was there.
I pray that our Life Objective will be similar to Steve Scheibner's. ..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'"
I highly recommend that you watch him tell his story. I've posted the video below. Maybe you haven't known someone personally on this earth who has "been in your seat," but let us always remember the One who has been in each of our seats, and that is Jesus Christ, who died for each and every one of us. If you have never received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, now is the time. All you have to do is say this simple prayer, and He will hear you. “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."
Last night, I was reading through my Facebook page kind of quickly. I just wanted to scan for a few updates from friends regarding if they'd had their baby yet, if they arrived safely home from their vacation, how they were feeling, etc. As much as I sometimes shake my head at the fact that Facebook is where I find out about such news, it is what it is and I'm grateful for the connections I've made because of it. Let's face it, most of us don't have time to pick up the phone and call twenty of our friends each day to find out how they're doing. As much as I would love to be able to do that, it's just not possible. When I'm doing the Facebook "just-the-facts please" scan, I usually skip over the other things that are in my News Feed such as videos, articles, notes, etc., but last night there was a video that caught my eye. I scrolled past it thinking that I would remember which friend posted it and watch it later if I had time. Well, something compelled me to go back and watch it right then. The video was titled, "In My Seat."
Although I have watched many videos about September 11th, I had never seen this one. This particular video is the story of an American Airlines pilot, First Officer Steve Scheibner, who was supposed to have been the pilot on American Airlines Flight 11, the first plane to hit the North Tower (Tower 1) of the World Trade Center. He had checked into the computer system as the scheduled pilot and packed his bags. All he was waiting for was the confirmation phone call from the airlines. He never got the call. He found out that another pilot had taken his place and he didn't have to go on the trip.
Originally, I wasn't going to write this article on the subject of September 11th. I think mostly because it stirs up many emotions in me that are very hard to deal with, even though it happened ten years ago. There are images from that day that will never leave my mind. Images that shook me to my core. However, when I watched this video, I didn't get discouraged, I got encouraged. This man gave glory to God. The part of the video that struck me the most was when he said that twenty years ago, he wrote a life objective. This is his Life Objective..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'" He wrote that years before the planes crashed into the twin towers.
I wonder how many of us have had someone else "take our seat." The seat that we were supposed to be in, the flight we were supposed to be on, the road we were supposed to take, the building we were supposed to go into... There have been times when I've had my plans all set to be somewhere at a certain time, but life got in the way. I spilled my coffee as I was walking out the door and had to go back in the house to change clothes, or one of my kids threw up as we were about to leave and I had to cancel my entire day of plans. I was really annoyed at the time, until I found out about a huge accident that happened not ten minutes after we were originally supposed to leave. The chances would have been very high that we would have been in the accident. Now, when things like that happen, I may still be annoyed, but I thank God for whatever the reason is for the delay. Because it very well could be His protection once again.
There was a time when I was living in Denver, Colorado and I was driving on the freeway to church one Easter Sunday morning. It was a very bright day and the sun was shining directly into my windshield, just low enough where the visor couldn't cover it. I had sunglasses on, but it was just too bright to see clearly. I was driving along in the middle lane not really thinking about anything in particular when all of a sudden, I came around a corner and saw a car driving straight towards me in my lane. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening and I swerved into the right lane just in time to look in my rear view mirror and see that car hit the car behind me head on. I screamed out and pulled over to the shoulder as fast as I could and cried. That could have been me, and nearly was. I found out later that the man driving toward me was an elderly man who had had a heart attack and his car drifted out of the HOV lane and into oncoming traffic. The people in both cars died instantly.
Who's been in your seat? Have you ever thought about it? Why does God take one life and leave another? These are questions we may never have answers to. We trust God that he knows our name. He knows how many days we will have on this earth. We are not to worry about things that are out of our control. Steve Scheibner said that the events of September 11th intensified his Life Objective. He's acting like he's living on borrowed time, because he is, and he's going to live his life with a sense of urgency. We are all living on borrowed time. The events of September 11th remind us of that. They remind us that life is fragile and that unexpected and terrible things happen. However, they should also remind us that God is still in control. There are thousands of stories of people who were supposed to be in the twin towers that day, or on the flights that crashed, but because of different circumstances they weren't. Someone else was "in their seat."
There were many different emotions that circulated around the events of that fateful day in September of 2001. People asked me, "What kind of God do you serve that would allow something like this to happen? How can you call him a loving God? Where is he as these people are jumping from the buildings?" I must admit, at the time, I didn't know how to answer them that would satisfy them in their grief. The shock and the pain was too much for them to absorb. Yet, in the midst of all the grief and pain, a revival began to break out in the days and weeks following the attacks. America came together in unity. With as many people who were angry at God, many people turned to God. Churches were flooded with people looking for answers and comfort. Neighbors began talking to neighbors. People began helping strangers and showed kindness like they never had before. Many good things came out of this terrible tragedy. I pray that now, more than ever, that revival would break out again. That people would turn to God like never before, realizing that they are indeed living on borrowed time. The great revival that happened around September 11th did what all revivals do. It slowed down over time as people moved on with their lives. People got "tired of hearing about it" every year. I pray that we never get tired of hearing about it. I pray that we will honor and remember every single person who perished. Not just in the planes and towers, but all the firefighters, policemen, and everyone on the ground, our military, who have been serving and fighting diligently ever since to bring to justice every evil person responsible for these lives lost. Let us not return to our foolish ways, and let us not become "familiar" with these events to the point where we are numb and purposely ignorant. Now is the time for revival to come again!
Psalm 85:8-13 says, "I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints - but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." The psalmist was asking God to revive his people, bringing them back to spiritual life. Revival starts with us, in our heart. Ask God to give you a fresh touch of his love. If we want to see revival in our nation then it has to begin with us, as individuals. Nothing is impossible for God. He can and will revive all that has been lost. You have to choose to accept his love. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Guess what? He loves you anyway and there's nothing you can do about it. So, let us remember who is the Author of our faith, who is in control of our lives. Let us not return to our foolish ways. Let us proceed with faithfulness toward the cause of his Kingdom, to tell others about Jesus and to help them grow in their faith so that the gospel can reach the world. Let us prepare the way for the Lord because He is coming soon. Let us never forget the events of September 11th, but let them be a reminder that even in the midst of tragedy, evil, and chaos, God was there.
I pray that our Life Objective will be similar to Steve Scheibner's. ..."To seek, trust, and glorify God through humble service and continual prayer. To raise up qualified disciples as quickly as possible. So that one day I might hear God say, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'"
I highly recommend that you watch him tell his story. I've posted the video below. Maybe you haven't known someone personally on this earth who has "been in your seat," but let us always remember the One who has been in each of our seats, and that is Jesus Christ, who died for each and every one of us. If you have never received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, now is the time. All you have to do is say this simple prayer, and He will hear you. “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Unacceptable
Do you ever feel unacceptable? Like you've messed up so badly that there's no way you could ever recover, or make it up to the person you hurt? I have. And even though I haven't consciously been feeling that way lately, apparently I have been feeling it on a subconscious level for many years. Wanna know how I know that? Because I just burst into tears over this one sentence in the commentary of my Bible. "We approach God, not because of our own merit, but because Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God." I didn't realize until I burst into gut-wrenching sobs that this has been something I have been holding deep inside myself for many, many years. I haven't felt truly acceptable to God because of things that I did in my past; mistakes I made that were, to me, so terrible because I had broken vows I made to God. I didn't make the vows with the intention of breaking them, but because I am human, I fell into temptation and sinned. You may be thinking, "What's the big deal? So you sinned? So what. God has already forgiven you." I know all that is true, but it doesn't do my soul much good if I haven't truly forgiven myself and if I haven't truly accepted his forgiveness.
How silly does it sound to ask someone for forgiveness, they truly forgive you, you know they've forgiven you, but you still feel unacceptable to them? What happens when that happens? You begin to strive, not in a good way, to feel acceptable to that person. You put all this pressure on yourself to be some sort of "perfect" person to overcompensate for the guilt and shame that you still feel deep inside. You have to be the best at everything you do. For me, it was to be the best employee, the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best Mom, the best friend, the best sister, daughter, grand-daughter, church volunteer, etc., etc., etc. It's not a bad thing to strive to do your best, when it's for the right reasons. However, I've been striving to be acceptable to God when, in fact, I have been acceptable to him all along.
The passage of scripture I was reading before I read the commentary was John 16:16-33. It was just a few hours before Jesus was going to be tortured and then nailed to the cross to die, and he was talking to his disciples. They were having a hard time understanding what Jesus meant when he said, "In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." Jesus explained to them that this was their time of grief, but that he would see them again and they would rejoice, and that no one will take away their joy. In verse 23-24 he said to them, "In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father."
Jesus was talking about a new relationship between us as believers and God. Previously, people approached God through priests. After Jesus' resurrection, any believer could approach God directly. Hebrews 10:19-23 says, "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
When Jesus died and rose again, he broke all the barriers between us and God. We are free to pray to God any time we want. Not only that, but we are to draw near to him with our hearts full of faith that when we ask him to forgive us, he really does forgive us. That's it, the end. Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." When God forgives us, he forgives us completely. It doesn't mean that there won't be consequences for our actions, depending on what we've done. However, no matter the consequences we have to face, we can have confidence knowing that we are OK with God. It may take years to make things right with another human being, but not with God. God delights to show mercy. He is glad when we repent and offers forgiveness freely to those who ask. We need to know that as important as it is to believe that God truly has forgiven us, it's just as important that we also forgive ourselves. We must not be too proud to accept God's free offer. When we do that, it cheapens what Jesus did on the cross for us. To me, that is unacceptable.
Even though I have known all these things to be true, for some reason I have been holding on to guilt and shame that I should have let go of the very instant I prayed for forgiveness many years ago. In fact, I'm sure I thought that I had because it's not like I've been dwelling on my past sins all these years, on a conscious level anyway. But, I know there's an issue when I burst into tears over a single phrase, "...Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God." I don't have to strive to make myself acceptable to God. I already am because of what Jesus did on the cross. Of course, I am still going to live a life that is pleasing to God to the best of my ability, but not with the same drive behind it...like I'm trying to make something up to him. No, out of a surrendered heart and a desire to do His will, because I love him. Because He loves me.
How silly does it sound to ask someone for forgiveness, they truly forgive you, you know they've forgiven you, but you still feel unacceptable to them? What happens when that happens? You begin to strive, not in a good way, to feel acceptable to that person. You put all this pressure on yourself to be some sort of "perfect" person to overcompensate for the guilt and shame that you still feel deep inside. You have to be the best at everything you do. For me, it was to be the best employee, the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best Mom, the best friend, the best sister, daughter, grand-daughter, church volunteer, etc., etc., etc. It's not a bad thing to strive to do your best, when it's for the right reasons. However, I've been striving to be acceptable to God when, in fact, I have been acceptable to him all along.
The passage of scripture I was reading before I read the commentary was John 16:16-33. It was just a few hours before Jesus was going to be tortured and then nailed to the cross to die, and he was talking to his disciples. They were having a hard time understanding what Jesus meant when he said, "In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." Jesus explained to them that this was their time of grief, but that he would see them again and they would rejoice, and that no one will take away their joy. In verse 23-24 he said to them, "In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father."
Jesus was talking about a new relationship between us as believers and God. Previously, people approached God through priests. After Jesus' resurrection, any believer could approach God directly. Hebrews 10:19-23 says, "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
When Jesus died and rose again, he broke all the barriers between us and God. We are free to pray to God any time we want. Not only that, but we are to draw near to him with our hearts full of faith that when we ask him to forgive us, he really does forgive us. That's it, the end. Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." When God forgives us, he forgives us completely. It doesn't mean that there won't be consequences for our actions, depending on what we've done. However, no matter the consequences we have to face, we can have confidence knowing that we are OK with God. It may take years to make things right with another human being, but not with God. God delights to show mercy. He is glad when we repent and offers forgiveness freely to those who ask. We need to know that as important as it is to believe that God truly has forgiven us, it's just as important that we also forgive ourselves. We must not be too proud to accept God's free offer. When we do that, it cheapens what Jesus did on the cross for us. To me, that is unacceptable.
Even though I have known all these things to be true, for some reason I have been holding on to guilt and shame that I should have let go of the very instant I prayed for forgiveness many years ago. In fact, I'm sure I thought that I had because it's not like I've been dwelling on my past sins all these years, on a conscious level anyway. But, I know there's an issue when I burst into tears over a single phrase, "...Jesus, our great high priest, has made us acceptable to God." I don't have to strive to make myself acceptable to God. I already am because of what Jesus did on the cross. Of course, I am still going to live a life that is pleasing to God to the best of my ability, but not with the same drive behind it...like I'm trying to make something up to him. No, out of a surrendered heart and a desire to do His will, because I love him. Because He loves me.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
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