Time flies! What a crazy few weeks this has been. I have a very bad cold right now, so forgive me if this post sounds a bit scatter-brained. I found out on August 19th that my Dad has brain cancer. This has been very difficult news to handle. I wanted to see my Dad and knew that I wouldn't see him until Christmas unless I went to visit before school started, so I left for Washington a few days later and spent the week with my family. It was so good to be home with them! We didn't do much of anything, and that was just fine with me. The week after I got back was spent preparing for both my girls to start school. Hailey is in first grade and Sarah is in pre-school. Once school began, I was feeling a little guilty reading some of my friends' facebook posts about how much they wished their kids were still home with them and that they were sad school had started. I wondered if something was wrong with me...if I should be feeling the same way. I love my kids, but I am happy they are in school. They are happy they're in school! I have needed some time to myself so badly. I miss my kids when they're at school and I'm a much happier mommy when they get home because I've been able to accomplish my tasks for the day (for the most part), so when they get home I can devote my time to them.
I have spent so much of my life caring more about what other people think of me than what I think of me or what I felt was best for me. I used to envy the confidence that my friends had and their ability to just speak their mind and express their opinions. I have realized how many things would have been different if I would have just taken ownership of my needs and been ok with them instead of feeling guilty about them. It's ok to need a break. It's ok to be happy my kids are in school. It's ok to be aware of my needs.
I remember in high school how much I just wanted people to like me. When I think back even further, I can remember in middle school how I would imitate my friends' handwriting so that it would look cool like theirs. I actually changed the way I wrote to feel better about myself. Sounds super silly now, but at the time it really was a big deal to me. I found one of my diaries from that time period and cracked up about my handwriting. We called it "bubble writing." Over time, it was just too much effort to keep it up and I went back to my own style. Same goes for high school. I eventually realized that trying to be like everyone else was really hard work. I stood out from the crowd because I didn't do drugs, didn't sleep around, didn't party and was a virgin. Those things alone made it impossible to be like everyone else. Believe me, I got made fun of. A lot. But, in talking with and reconnecting with high school friends in recent months, they have expressed to me that they always admired me in school. What? I wish someone would have told me that back then. I ended up partying a bit my senior year and "felt" more popular. But, as the next several years would tell, I wish I would have stayed true to who I really was. I would have avoided a lot of heartache.
I guess my point is that you have to do what is best for yourself, even at the expense of sometimes of looking stupid or disappointing others. You ultimately have to listen to the still small voice on the inside of you and not the voices of the people around you. I find it odd and somewhat frustrating that I still get the "high school" feeling now, as an adult. I am still self-conscious and still care about what others think of me. I think we all feel like that at times. However, I've learned that being myself is the only way I can be and not go crazy. At the end of the day, what Jesus thinks of me is what really matters. What my husband and kids think of me matters.
Sometimes it's hard to forget the feelings of the past. Do you ever get hit out of the blue with a song or a smell or something that just takes you right back to a certain event in your past? That happened to me the other day and it was like I literally went back in time to a specific moment. Sometimes it can be a good moment and sometimes it can be an unpleasant one. This particular time, it was an unpleasant memory. I felt exactly the same way I felt in 9th grade when I was the last person picked for the soccer team during P.E. I remember the feeling of standing on the wet grass looking at two teams being formed, and I was one of two girls left standing in the original line. I wanted to run away and cry. Instead, I just pretended that it didn't bother me when really, I cried for a week every day after school about it. Why in the world would I even remember that now? Well, I believe it was the Lord revealing to me a past hurt that I never fully dealt with. That was only one instance in my high school life that I felt like that. There were several others. So, I dealt with that and have now moved on to dealing with my present circumstances.
The bottom line is that I am ok with being different from everyone else. It's ok to be different. We need to be embracing each other's differences, in my opinion. I don't want the "high school" feeling to follow me for the rest of my life. Who I am is who I am. Who you are is who you are. What the Lord has led me through is different from what he's led you through. I am not going to feel guilty that I only want two kids and that I'm happy they're in school. I'm going to be ok with wearing bulky and comfy shoes and not strappy heels. We are all unique and precious to the Lord. He made us, so why do we try to re-make us? He made me, me. And that's ok with me. : )
