It's hard to put into words what I've been feeling over the past five days. Last Tuesday, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has started blogging about his experience, and is posting updates every day. I encourage you to read his blog at www.chrisbayer.com. He is handling the news very well and is so unbelievably encouraging. I've always admired my Dad and the way he looks at life and all its challenges. At times during my childhood, I would almost be upset with him because he was so darn positive all the time. I wanted to sulk and complain and he always made sure I didn't stay in that mood for very long. Sometimes his optimism was really annoying, actually. : ) That is the way he has always looked at life. Even in his darkest, most stressful moments he has trusted the Lord completely. I am sure that is the reason why he can be so positive and confident in the Lord right now with this diagnosis.
I, myself, find my brain and heart a confusing mess one minute and then strong and confident the next. I feel like my emotions are on a yo-yo. I guess that's normal when you've received disturbing news, but as my Dad always told me, "Just keep breathing. That's all you have to do. Let God do the rest." I strive each day to trust the Lord with my whole heart, mind, and soul. I have to admit that sometimes I freak out first and then I come to my senses and go back to trusting the Lord. I know my Dad has felt real fear in situations throughout his life. It's not like he's a "super-faith" or "hyper-spiritual" person. I just believe that he has practiced trusting the Lord for so long that it has developed into a deep trust that comes naturally to him. That is where I want to be.
When you practice something, it means you are doing it on purpose and usually with a goal in mind. For example, you practice the piano so that you can play it well. You practice soccer so that you will be prepared when you're in the game. If you want to be a professional pianist, or play in the World Cup, you have to practice. The word practice is defined as: 1.) repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency (practice makes perfect). 2.) to perform or do habitually or usually (to practice a strict regimen). 3.) to train or drill (a person, animal, etc.) in something in order to give proficiency.
When I think of my Dad, I think of how he has constantly practiced trusting the Lord. He trusts the Lord on purpose. He trusts him in the little things and the big things. I think that when we practice trusting the Lord in the little things, then when the big things come that require us to completely trust the Lord, we are ready to trust Him immediately and without hesitation. I'm not saying that it's wrong to have human emotions thrown in there. It would be impossible to remove our emotions from situations because we are emotional creatures. It's in our design and make up. What I'm talking about is being able to have our emotions, but have them secondary to our trust in God. Our emotions should not overrule our trust.
In order to do this, we have to practice it. Faith takes action. We can say we have all the faith in the world, but then we get a terrible diagnosis from the doctor, or we lose a loved one unexpectedly, or our house burns down, etc. and we crumple into a puddle. Sometimes it doesn't even take much of anything to shake our trust. We have to be in practice so that when things happen, big or small, we are ready to trust the Lord first, and without hesitation. We absolutely should not stifle our emotions or try to pretend them away to appear like we are super amazing, inhumanly strong in the face of adversity, super spiritual superman/woman...blah, blah, blah. We are not to be fake. People can almost always see right through you when you are pretending to be something you're not. Don't pretend to be anything other than what you are. Admit that you are human, let the emotions come, but while the emotions are happening, snuggle up in the arms of the Lord and let him hold you. Let him be your strength. You can't be fake with God. He knows every thought in your head before you think it and he loves you anyway.
Practicing something isn't always a piece of cake. There are times of fatigue, pain, and frustration...especially if what you're practicing doesn't come naturally to you. If I decided right now to start practicing to be a world-famous dancer, I wouldn't get very far. I'm not saying I could never do it, I'm saying that it would be a very difficult thing for me to practice because it doesn't come easy to me. If I was practicing to record an album, or perform a song at church, it wouldn't require as much effort or pain because singing comes naturally to me. Trusting the Lord seems like it would be an easy thing to practice, but when you get hit with shocking news, especially when it's someone you are very close to, your brain can start whirring with all sorts of fearful thoughts. You immediately think of all the other people you've ever known that have gone through the same thing, and what their outcome or demise was. The goal is to stop the thoughts right away and start practicing trusting the Lord instead. Trust Him on purpose.
As the next few weeks unfold, I will be doing my very best to keep my trust in Jesus Christ, the One who heals. I will not let my mind run like crazy and drive me to the point of anxiety. Waiting is the hardest part I think...waiting for test results, waiting on doctors, getting second and third opinions, etc. I will be waiting on the Lord, because that is what the Word tells me to do. It is by reading the Word and leaning on Jesus that I will find the strength I need.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31
