The past two weeks have been very emotional, stressful, chaotic, hectic, and yet somehow wonderful at the same time. We lost my Uncle Dennis to cancer on Saturday night, September 12th. As I entered the date of his death in the front of my bible, I realized just how many people I have loved that were also on that list. The thought that came to me was a weird one. What was once a big family is now the same family, just in two separate places: one we can see, and one we can't.
I have never really handled death well. Even though I know where I'm going, I believe it purely by faith. When my faith is shaken, I am shaken. Death shakes me up. It doesn't make me doubt what I believe, in fact, it makes it all the more real. But, to see the earthly realm and the spiritual realm come together is awe inspiring to say the least, and to be honest, it kind of freaks me out. How can anyone say that there is no afterlife after watching someone pass away, or being with them moments or hours before they do. You can sense that there is something powerful going on as they make their transition from this life to the next. You want to hang on to them, yet you want them to go because where they are going is so wonderful, that is, if they know Jesus.
I am done being shy about telling people about Jesus. I can't bear the thought of anyone suffering for all of eternity. Not when I look at their soul through the eyes of Jesus. Believe me, some people take a little more work than others when you're trying to see the good in them. But, they are still living, breathing souls created by God just like you and me. Not one of us on earth is worthy of God's grace, and yet He gives it freely to all people. We don't deserve an eternity in Heaven. Yet, all we have to do is call upon the name of the Lord, confess with our mouth that we are a sinner and that we need a Savior, ask God to forgive our sins, and then ask Jesus to come into our heart as Lord of our life. It's that simple.
People try to complicate the gospel of Jesus. Here is the gospel, real and simple to me: A man goes through his entire life running away from church, maybe even despising or resenting it. He drowns his sorrows in alcohol and cigarettes. He screams at his wife and kids, forcing their young family to separate. He spends the rest of his years basically in solitude, with the exception of a few good friends, and his extended family. He spends his moments reading history books, one of his passions. He is a master at refinishing furniture and turning what is ugly into something beautiful. His other passion is fishing, and sharing his latest catch with his family. He has a gift of making wonderful smoked salmon. He suffers a stroke, and we finally see his heart. His wonderful heart. He is still gruff, still mean sometimes, but we know he's opened up a bit. He has many questions about God and why He let his Dad die, then his Mom. He gets angry, yet he's still softer than before. He is diagnosed with cancer. He is angry and confused, and scared. He gets to reconnect with his daughters and grandsons for a weekend at the ocean. A miracle indeed. He is given less than a year to live. Six months later, he is given 4-6 weeks to live. He is sent home, then sent right back to the hospital where he learns he is dying. He wants to go home, but goes to a hospice house, where he needs to be. He is angry, in agonizing pain, agitated, mean, not ready to die. He will not stay in bed. He has no peace. He has many questions about Jesus, which his brother-in-law answers. He calms down a bit but is still not sure what will happen to him when he dies. His niece is sweet and bold. She asks him if he wants to ask Jesus into his heart. He says, "Yes." She says all he needs to say is, "Please, Jesus." So, he does. She leads him in prayer and he becomes a Christian. He finally falls asleep, peaceful at last. He dies the next day. He is now forever with Jesus, in peace, perfect peace. It didn't matter that he never lived his life for Jesus on earth, although he missed out on so many blessings and would have been spared much heartache if he had. What mattered is that God gave him a second chance. We all deserve a second chance. That is the gospel to me.
I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has never left me or forsaken me and I know he never will. No matter what I'm going through right now, trying as it may be, it will pass. It seems so insignificant in comparison to eternity. What am I doing today that will impact forever? What are you doing?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Where Does All The Time Go?
Wow! Three weeks has passed since I last wrote anything. Where does all the time go? I know many parents are asking themselves the exact same question as they are sending their children off to school this week, and some next week. I know this because they are all posting the same question on their Facebook pages, "Where does all the time go?" To be honest, I don't really know. My life has been a whirlwind of events this past year and sometimes I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone last month. My two girls keep me on my feet from about 6:30am until, lately, about 8:00pm. Then, when they go to bed, it's my chance to get things done that I couldn't concentrate on when they were awake. I haven't been getting to bed before 11:30pm for the past few weeks. Less than eight hours of sleep every night has not been treating me well. I have really had to fight hard against irritability and fatigue. So far, I'm doing an "ok" job. But, I find myself really not happy with the way I handle things lately.
Here's what's been going on in my world this past month:
We bought a house! We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We will miss our apartment because it has been a wonderful place to live, but we are ready to have our own place and make Virginia feel more "permanent" than it has so far. It has a huge backyard that is fully fenced, so the girls will have a blast playing outside. There is a wonderful park a block away also. It will be so great to be able to walk there. I will post pictures as soon as I can. We sign papers this Friday and will have the keys in hand! God is so faithful!
I started bible college at Wave Leadership College a couple weeks ago. It is intense, and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But, God told me to do it so I know he will provide everything I need to do well. It's already completely changed the way I read the bible and I know I will be forever changed because of this class.
I found out that my Grandpa has prostate cancer and he began treatments last week. They are pretty sure they caught it early enough and are expecting complete remission. I am praying for no negative side effects of the treatment, and that the cancer will be completely gone. I am also praying for strength for my Grandma. Having a spouse who is dealing with cancer is very trying.
My Uncle was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer last February. He began having breathing problems last week and is now at the University of Washington Medical Center. They are pretty sure that the cancer has spread to his lungs, and possibly other organs. He is in a lot of pain and is swollen so badly that he can hardly walk. He can't breathe without the oxygen tube and even with it, he's struggling tremendously. They really aren't sure what is causing all this because the tests are coming back inconclusive. All they know is that he most likely doesn't have much time left. I am still praying and believing God for a miracle. We are not 100% positive that he has accepted Jesus, so I am hoping to have the chance to pray with him when I go home.
I will be flying home later this month to go through our entire house in Washington to see what we can move here now, and what we can wait for the Navy to move in another year or so. I have mixed feelings about this because I never thought we'd be staying in Virginia. The plan was to come back to Washington in a year, but God had other plans. I am now excited about God's plan and can't wait to move forward into all that he wants me to do. But, I am sad about leaving our home in Washington potentially, and most likely, forever. I miss my family terribly. I miss the mountains. I miss Gig Harbor. However, what God asks us to give up, he replaces 100 fold. We have seen tremendous favor and blessing in our lives since we left everything we knew to follow his leading. I know he will continue to pour out his blessings on us as we continue to obey and serve him.
The girls have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. There are some days when I ask God, "What were you thinking when you made me a mother? I'm SO NOT cut out for this!" There are times when I feel like I am going to burst with frustration. How can two beautiful, precious little girls make my heart swell with love one minute and then fry my nerves the next? I guess that is one of the mysteries of parenting. Something else I'm learning is that no matter how I train them, or what I teach them, sometimes they just do what they're going to do anyway. What a concept, huh? After all, they are their own person. They can choose to do right or wrong just like I can. Of course, I want them to do what's right, but I'd be worried if they were perfect all the time and never made mistakes.
Yesterday, the girls were sitting at their little table eating lunch. I was doing the dishes and saw them out of the corner of my eye. Hailey got mad at Sarah and knocked Sarah's sippy cup on the floor, on purpose. Without hesitation, Sarah threw her fork as hard as she could at Hailey's head. The fork stuck in her forehead and left three little bleeding holes. All I could think of in that moment was, "Thank you Jesus that the fork missed her eye!" I don't know what I would have done in that scenario. It could have blinded her. The other thing going through my mind was, "I can't believe Sarah has such a good arm!" Isn't that a terrible thing to be thinking at that moment? I felt so guilty later, but I'm over it now. Anyway, she threw that fork with such force it shocked me! They were only two feet apart from each other, mind you, but still! So, I put Sarah in her bed for time out while I cleaned up Hailey's head. Then I proceeded to let Sarah know that she was going to have a spanking for throwing her fork. So, we got that over with and then we snuggled. I made her apologize to Hailey and then all was well.
These are the kind of situations where I have to think fast, and that hasn't been so easy for this mommy's tired brain. Yet, I had everything I needed to take care of the situation. God is so awesome like that. He knows what we go through as moms and he takes care of us because WE are his children and he loves us even more than we love our children.
Another story from this week is about my little Sarah. She was playing in the living room a few days ago and I was in the kitchen doing, you guessed it, dishes. She was wearing just her diaper because that has been her outfit of choice lately. She came up to me and held out her little hands saying, "Mama, my hand aw dwirty." At first glance, I thought she had gotten into the peanut butter that I was eating with my apple slices. So, I smelled her hand and oh. my. gosh! It was poop! It was covered in poop! She had stuck her hands down her diaper and decided to dig around in there. I was mortified and totally grossed out. So, I quickly took her to the sink and washed her hands, then changed her diaper and put her in the bathtub. I then surveyed the rest of the living room and was praying the whole time that I wouldn't find poop anywhere else. Well, he must have heard me because everything else was poop free. Hallelujah! I really thought I was going to throw up.
So, as you can see, my life has been full of events. Some are good, some are not, but all of them make me more aware of just how much I need Jesus to help me through my days. I truly don't know what I would do without him. I like change, we need change, but sometimes change is overwhelming.
Tonight is Hailey's open house at her new school. I can't believe I have a kindergartner! I don't feel like I'm old enough to have a 5 year old, which leads back to the question of, "Where does all the time go?" I remember so vividly when both the girls were born. Now here they are, their own little independent people. They are precious, intelligent, caring, compassionate, beautiful girls, everything I prayed they would be. Why is it that I want so much for them to stay young, but am so excited for them to grow up at the same time? I am really looking forward to Hailey starting school. She's ready, I'm ready. I guess I just feel like I should be like all those other parents who are hanging on to their children for dear life and want to keep them home forever. It's like that's what your expected to feel. Well, part of me wishes that they could just stay small, but another part of me is ready for them to branch out, start school, grow up. I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to feel both. I will be teary-eyed next Tuesday when I walk Hailey to her class, but I am so excited for her. She can hardly wait for school. I want to keep her excited about school as much as I can because it will help her to do well.
I'm glad that I still have Sarah home with me for the next two years. At least I can slowly ease into the fact that someday my kids will be gone all day and I won't know what they're doing every second. That thought is a little unnerving at times. But, I know that they are protected and I will not spend my days worrying about them to the point of anxiety. Well, I must be going now. I need to get dinner ready and get the house ready for the babysitter. To all the parents out there, I wish you a happy and stress-free start to the school year!
Here's what's been going on in my world this past month:
We bought a house! We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We will miss our apartment because it has been a wonderful place to live, but we are ready to have our own place and make Virginia feel more "permanent" than it has so far. It has a huge backyard that is fully fenced, so the girls will have a blast playing outside. There is a wonderful park a block away also. It will be so great to be able to walk there. I will post pictures as soon as I can. We sign papers this Friday and will have the keys in hand! God is so faithful!
I started bible college at Wave Leadership College a couple weeks ago. It is intense, and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But, God told me to do it so I know he will provide everything I need to do well. It's already completely changed the way I read the bible and I know I will be forever changed because of this class.
I found out that my Grandpa has prostate cancer and he began treatments last week. They are pretty sure they caught it early enough and are expecting complete remission. I am praying for no negative side effects of the treatment, and that the cancer will be completely gone. I am also praying for strength for my Grandma. Having a spouse who is dealing with cancer is very trying.
My Uncle was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer last February. He began having breathing problems last week and is now at the University of Washington Medical Center. They are pretty sure that the cancer has spread to his lungs, and possibly other organs. He is in a lot of pain and is swollen so badly that he can hardly walk. He can't breathe without the oxygen tube and even with it, he's struggling tremendously. They really aren't sure what is causing all this because the tests are coming back inconclusive. All they know is that he most likely doesn't have much time left. I am still praying and believing God for a miracle. We are not 100% positive that he has accepted Jesus, so I am hoping to have the chance to pray with him when I go home.
I will be flying home later this month to go through our entire house in Washington to see what we can move here now, and what we can wait for the Navy to move in another year or so. I have mixed feelings about this because I never thought we'd be staying in Virginia. The plan was to come back to Washington in a year, but God had other plans. I am now excited about God's plan and can't wait to move forward into all that he wants me to do. But, I am sad about leaving our home in Washington potentially, and most likely, forever. I miss my family terribly. I miss the mountains. I miss Gig Harbor. However, what God asks us to give up, he replaces 100 fold. We have seen tremendous favor and blessing in our lives since we left everything we knew to follow his leading. I know he will continue to pour out his blessings on us as we continue to obey and serve him.
The girls have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. There are some days when I ask God, "What were you thinking when you made me a mother? I'm SO NOT cut out for this!" There are times when I feel like I am going to burst with frustration. How can two beautiful, precious little girls make my heart swell with love one minute and then fry my nerves the next? I guess that is one of the mysteries of parenting. Something else I'm learning is that no matter how I train them, or what I teach them, sometimes they just do what they're going to do anyway. What a concept, huh? After all, they are their own person. They can choose to do right or wrong just like I can. Of course, I want them to do what's right, but I'd be worried if they were perfect all the time and never made mistakes.
Yesterday, the girls were sitting at their little table eating lunch. I was doing the dishes and saw them out of the corner of my eye. Hailey got mad at Sarah and knocked Sarah's sippy cup on the floor, on purpose. Without hesitation, Sarah threw her fork as hard as she could at Hailey's head. The fork stuck in her forehead and left three little bleeding holes. All I could think of in that moment was, "Thank you Jesus that the fork missed her eye!" I don't know what I would have done in that scenario. It could have blinded her. The other thing going through my mind was, "I can't believe Sarah has such a good arm!" Isn't that a terrible thing to be thinking at that moment? I felt so guilty later, but I'm over it now. Anyway, she threw that fork with such force it shocked me! They were only two feet apart from each other, mind you, but still! So, I put Sarah in her bed for time out while I cleaned up Hailey's head. Then I proceeded to let Sarah know that she was going to have a spanking for throwing her fork. So, we got that over with and then we snuggled. I made her apologize to Hailey and then all was well.
These are the kind of situations where I have to think fast, and that hasn't been so easy for this mommy's tired brain. Yet, I had everything I needed to take care of the situation. God is so awesome like that. He knows what we go through as moms and he takes care of us because WE are his children and he loves us even more than we love our children.
Another story from this week is about my little Sarah. She was playing in the living room a few days ago and I was in the kitchen doing, you guessed it, dishes. She was wearing just her diaper because that has been her outfit of choice lately. She came up to me and held out her little hands saying, "Mama, my hand aw dwirty." At first glance, I thought she had gotten into the peanut butter that I was eating with my apple slices. So, I smelled her hand and oh. my. gosh! It was poop! It was covered in poop! She had stuck her hands down her diaper and decided to dig around in there. I was mortified and totally grossed out. So, I quickly took her to the sink and washed her hands, then changed her diaper and put her in the bathtub. I then surveyed the rest of the living room and was praying the whole time that I wouldn't find poop anywhere else. Well, he must have heard me because everything else was poop free. Hallelujah! I really thought I was going to throw up.
So, as you can see, my life has been full of events. Some are good, some are not, but all of them make me more aware of just how much I need Jesus to help me through my days. I truly don't know what I would do without him. I like change, we need change, but sometimes change is overwhelming.
Tonight is Hailey's open house at her new school. I can't believe I have a kindergartner! I don't feel like I'm old enough to have a 5 year old, which leads back to the question of, "Where does all the time go?" I remember so vividly when both the girls were born. Now here they are, their own little independent people. They are precious, intelligent, caring, compassionate, beautiful girls, everything I prayed they would be. Why is it that I want so much for them to stay young, but am so excited for them to grow up at the same time? I am really looking forward to Hailey starting school. She's ready, I'm ready. I guess I just feel like I should be like all those other parents who are hanging on to their children for dear life and want to keep them home forever. It's like that's what your expected to feel. Well, part of me wishes that they could just stay small, but another part of me is ready for them to branch out, start school, grow up. I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to feel both. I will be teary-eyed next Tuesday when I walk Hailey to her class, but I am so excited for her. She can hardly wait for school. I want to keep her excited about school as much as I can because it will help her to do well.
I'm glad that I still have Sarah home with me for the next two years. At least I can slowly ease into the fact that someday my kids will be gone all day and I won't know what they're doing every second. That thought is a little unnerving at times. But, I know that they are protected and I will not spend my days worrying about them to the point of anxiety. Well, I must be going now. I need to get dinner ready and get the house ready for the babysitter. To all the parents out there, I wish you a happy and stress-free start to the school year!
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