It has taken me SO long to write again since returning from our trip to the Seattle area. We've been home for over a week now but, with the time change and kids not sleeping well, it's been really hard to settle back into a normal routine. Then again, what is "normal" anyway? I think that everyone has their own idea of what normal is to them. To me, it's the kids waking up at a semi-decent hour, say at least after 6:30am. It's them being happy and eating their breakfast with very little fighting, or at least minimal fighting, while I enjoy a nice, strong cup of coffee. Then, it's off to do something fun like go to the park, or get in the pool, or go to the mall if it's raining, you get the idea. Then lunchtime, Sarah's nap (which means Mommy-Hailey time), then playing or getting back outside somehow, whether it be a walk downtown to the fountain, or maybe back to the pool (if I'm really brave and energetic). Then, Daddy comes home and we make dinner and sit down as a family and giggle while the girls entertain us, and themselves. Then, it's playtime with Daddy for a bit, then bath time or a shower (depending on my energy level and levels of squabbling throughout the day), then pj's, brushing teeth, story time or a quick game between Daddy and Hailey while I read to Sarah, then bedtime: where the kids actually lay right down and go to sleep peacefully with little smiles on their faces...
That is what a "normal" day would be like for us. However, it does not usually happen that way. Sometimes it does, which makes me very happy. But, life tends not to be normal all the time and anyway, what fun would that be? Seriously, if we never had any curves or roadblocks in the path of life, it would get pretty boring. In fact, I know people whose lives are SO normal, that they have to create drama just to have something to do. Really. I hope I never get to that point. I have enough drama in my world to make more on purpose.
One thing that has been getting more "normal" for me is my health. My feet and legs have improved so much that I have found myself thinking, "Wow, this is what normal people must feel like!" But then I thought, "Wait a minute...what is "normal" anyway? Everyone has aches and pains of their own that they deal with. Whose body is actually normal?" It really is the truth. No one is normal! That makes me feel so much better. I used to say things to myself like, "If I was just normal I could..." (fill in the blanks.) And then I realized, I will never be "normal." I am me, unique. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No one in this world is exactly like me. We are all unique.
You know me and my definitions. Well, here are some definitions of the word "normal":
–adjective 1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. 2. serving to establish a standard. 3. Psychology. a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment. b. free from any mental disorder; sane. 4. Biology, Medicine/Medical. a. free from any infection or other form of disease or malformation, or from experimental therapy or manipulation. b. of natural occurrence. –noun 7. the average or mean: Production may fall below normal. 8. the standard or type.
Who wants to conform to the standard, or the common person? Who wants average intelligence, or an average personality? I think everyone has a little bit of insanity in them. Most people have some form of infection, disease, or malformation, either big or small, in their body. So far, I have never met a "perfect" person. Have you? So, what is the standard human? What is "normal"? I don't think there is such a thing, and that's ok. I am finally at peace with myself about where I'm at in life. I'm ok with the fact that I'm not "normal". You know what I'm finding out? The more I open up to people about what I deal with, or have dealt with in my life; be it physical, emotional, or whatever, the more they open up to me about what they are going through and I realize that nobody is normal. Everyone has things they deal with and I wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's.
I think God allows us to go through certain things so that we can learn and grow. I think that we go through other things simply because we live in a world of sin and bad things are going to happen. God knows what each of us can handle and he promises that he will never give us more than we can bear. He knew that I would be able to handle this nerve disorder that I have, but maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle chronic migraines, or irritable bowel syndrome, or cancer. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God caused this nerve disorder. I'm just saying that if he knew it would push me over the edge, I don't think he would have allowed it to happen to me. As I've said before, I am now thanking God for what it's taught me instead of whining and complaining about why he hasn't taken it away from me. The truth is, he is taking it away from me.
This trip to Seattle was the first airplane trip in over 10 years where I was able to take off my shoes and walk through security, get through the flights without having to chew my fingernails off from the pain, walk to get my bags instead of having an airline attendant push me in a wheelchair, ride in the car on the way home laughing instead of crying and stay up and walking around until bedtime that night. On the way back to Virginia, I thought it would be different because I'd already been up a lot of the day and it was a later afternoon flight. (Remember how I used to be controlled by the clock?) But no, I still walked through security without my shoes and did all of the above all over again. Even though my feet already hurt when we left my parents' house, even though I was super emotional about leaving home again, missing my family, having just gone through my grandma's things and picking out what I'd like to keep, etc., etc. It was tough to leave. And yet, in spite off all of that, I still did what I needed to do. I didn't have to push myself and suffer through it. It was just fine. That is truly a miracle. That is why I can say with all confidence that my total healing is very near.
So, I'm telling you, keep on praying, keep on believing for your miracle, keep on thanking God for all he's done for you. It will pay off! And, forget about being "normal". Really, forget about it. So what if you're not? You are still a wonderful person who is loved by God. You are still able to be used by him. As long as you're still breathing, he has a plan for your life. He has hope in you and he believes in you. I'm done worrying about what "normal" is and how to accomplish it. I'm not worrying anymore about being able to wear high heels, or swim in the pool barefoot, or run on the beach barefoot. I know those things are coming. I'm happy to be me, and me is good. : ) I will leave you with something my Grandma Peggy always used to say. She'd say, "Be happy with how God made you because God didn't make no junk!"
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane...
We leave for Washington tomorrow! I am so excited to see my family and friends. I'm not excited about the plane rides to get there, but I am preparing myself mentally to do great! Flying has always been a struggle for me, not because I'm scared of flying, but because my feet swell so bad and that creates pain. I usually end up in a wheelchair at the end of the flight so I can get to my bags, and then to the car. I'm hoping that won't be the case this time. But you know what? So what if it is. I have finally come to the place in my life (and healed enough) to realize that my faith in God is strong. He is pleased with me and that's all that matters.
I used to push myself beyond what I was truly capable of because I thought that if I got in that wheelchair, it meant that I wasn't having faith in God to help me. Duh! Maybe the wheelchair was the tangible way that God was there for me to get me where I needed to go! I couldn't see it that way though. I felt like I failed him every time. Well, not anymore. I know that I'm not just sitting around waiting for Him to heal me and using everything and everyone to massage my need for sympathy in the meantime. I am active, I walk as much as possible and can even run to the elevator when I hear the "ding" and realize that one of my children is about to run into the elevator without me and take a little joyride to an unknown floor. (It's happened twice.) The point is that I am doing just fine. Jesus knows my intentions, and they are good. I am going to do all that I can do myself, and trust Him for the rest on our flights tomorrow.
What I've been talking about reminds me of the story of a man who was stranded on the top of his house due to a flood that was rising all around him at an alarming rate. He prayed and prayed to God to rescue him. There were two attempts made by people to rescue him. Once, by a helicopter pilot who was flying around looking for survivors, and once, by a fisherman who was in a motorboat looking for survivors. Both times the stranded man turned them down explaining that he was waiting for God to help him. Unfortunately, the waters rose too high and ended up drowning the stranded man. After he entered the gates of heaven he asked God, "How come you didn't save me from the flood?!" God answered, "I tried to...twice."
Now, I haven't been talking about physically drowning, but the concept is the same. And in a way, I did used to drown myself. I drowned in unnecessary pain, fear, and anguish. I was already in pain, wheelchair or not, but I would have been in less pain if I would have just gotten in the chair instead of hoofing it across the airport trying to be a hero. Don't let pride do that to you! You don't have to be a hero. If God provides you a way out, take it! He loves you and wants to help you. There will be times when you'll know that you're supposed to push yourself. In those times, you will have peace. It doesn't mean you may not have some fear, but even with the fear there will be peace, and the strength to do it. God will never ask you to do something and then leave you without what you need to accomplish it.
So, take care my friends and I will write all about my trip when I get back. Have a great week!
Love,
Tracie
P.S. Prayers are still always appreciated. ; )
I used to push myself beyond what I was truly capable of because I thought that if I got in that wheelchair, it meant that I wasn't having faith in God to help me. Duh! Maybe the wheelchair was the tangible way that God was there for me to get me where I needed to go! I couldn't see it that way though. I felt like I failed him every time. Well, not anymore. I know that I'm not just sitting around waiting for Him to heal me and using everything and everyone to massage my need for sympathy in the meantime. I am active, I walk as much as possible and can even run to the elevator when I hear the "ding" and realize that one of my children is about to run into the elevator without me and take a little joyride to an unknown floor. (It's happened twice.) The point is that I am doing just fine. Jesus knows my intentions, and they are good. I am going to do all that I can do myself, and trust Him for the rest on our flights tomorrow.
What I've been talking about reminds me of the story of a man who was stranded on the top of his house due to a flood that was rising all around him at an alarming rate. He prayed and prayed to God to rescue him. There were two attempts made by people to rescue him. Once, by a helicopter pilot who was flying around looking for survivors, and once, by a fisherman who was in a motorboat looking for survivors. Both times the stranded man turned them down explaining that he was waiting for God to help him. Unfortunately, the waters rose too high and ended up drowning the stranded man. After he entered the gates of heaven he asked God, "How come you didn't save me from the flood?!" God answered, "I tried to...twice."
Now, I haven't been talking about physically drowning, but the concept is the same. And in a way, I did used to drown myself. I drowned in unnecessary pain, fear, and anguish. I was already in pain, wheelchair or not, but I would have been in less pain if I would have just gotten in the chair instead of hoofing it across the airport trying to be a hero. Don't let pride do that to you! You don't have to be a hero. If God provides you a way out, take it! He loves you and wants to help you. There will be times when you'll know that you're supposed to push yourself. In those times, you will have peace. It doesn't mean you may not have some fear, but even with the fear there will be peace, and the strength to do it. God will never ask you to do something and then leave you without what you need to accomplish it.
So, take care my friends and I will write all about my trip when I get back. Have a great week!
Love,
Tracie
P.S. Prayers are still always appreciated. ; )
Thursday, July 2, 2009
"I Am With You"
Today is one of those days when I am really having to fight against my flesh. As I've mentioned before, I struggle with a condition called Tension Myositis Syndrome. It's such a pain in the butt, literally, to deal with this because how I feel physically depends entirely on how hard I fight back against it. I have to do the work, and it's really exhausting. My emotions, and what's going on in my life, sometimes overwhelm me to the point where it causes intense physical pain. The first thing I have to do is identify what the emotion is. It's not always easy to do because a lot of it is subconscious. A lot of the time, I have to really dig and dig until I find it. I have some theories today about why I'm in so much pain, but I'm having a really hard time putting my finger on it. So, it's just going to be a day of crying when I feel the urge and not suppressing any emotions at all. My pain intensifies when I hold back emotion at all on days like these.
Thank goodness my children are being so wonderful today. I think they know when I'm having a rough time and they already have so much compassion, even at two and five years of age. I reassure them every time they see me crying that mommy is ok, and that crying is natural and will help mommy feel better. Now, if I was doing this every day for several days or weeks in a row, then they would have a hard time believing me. Or, they would grow up with a warped sense of what "normal" crying is. But these days are very few and far between. It usually means that I am about to have another breakthrough in this pain disorder. When the pain suddenly intensifies to the point where I can barely walk and I am crying all over the place, I can usually bet that when it finally breaks, I am that much closer to being completely healed.
Sometimes, I just need to let the love that Jesus has for me overwhelm me, like right now. He is healing me slowly and steadily, with great care and compassion. He pushes me, but never beyond what I can bear. There are times when I think that I am going to just die from the pain. Yet, in the midst of it, I feel his arms around me and I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "I am with you." Whenever I hear that, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's true. He is preparing me for something that is way bigger than I could ever imagine. I have chosen to remain faithful to Him instead of getting angry and throwing tantrums at the fact that he hasn't just snapped his fingers and healed me instantly. I used to do that and it got me nowhere. I would see all these "other people" being healed instantly and I would ask, "Why not me God? I've been in pain for so long and they've only been in pain for one day!", or whatever the case was. Faithfulness and desperation move the heart of God, not selfishness and tantrums. I want to move the heart of God, not grieve it.
When I think back on all the times I've grieved the Holy Spirit, I wonder, "What was I thinking?" It makes me sad to think of making Him sad. He has done so much for me; he has protected me, he has blessed me when I didn't deserve it, he has provided for me in every way. He deserves nothing but my best. He deserves my undying faithfulness and worship and I will forever seek to never grieve him again. Here's the beautiful thing: I will fail, and that's ok. I've said that before. I'm not aiming for perfection, because that's just not possible. But, God looks at my heart and he sees that it's for him. Everything I do is for Him. That's the hard part at times. I know God has called me to things that scare me, challenge me, and push me. What he has called me to requires sacrifice, and we all know how fun that can be. However, what I've gone through and what I'm going through right now are all preparation for what he's going to use me for. It's all for His glory and I consider myself blessed to be part of His plan. Does it make the pain any easier to deal with? Sometimes I guess. But, pain is not fun at all. Especially when you have two very energetic little girls to take care of and entertain. I want to be down at the pool, or at the park. Instead, we are having a movie marathon and eating chocolate chips together.
What matters most is that my children know I love them and that I'm ok, even when I'm in pain. I want to be an example to them and leave a legacy of strength, courage, and determination. I don't want them to pity me, I want them to learn compassion, which they already have. I want them to see that even though pain has been a part of my life, it will never "be" my life. If you are going through something that has you struggling just to make it through the day, or even the next hour, remember that there is a God in Heaven who loves you. He will be with you wherever you go. Rest secure in that and just keep breathing...
Thank goodness my children are being so wonderful today. I think they know when I'm having a rough time and they already have so much compassion, even at two and five years of age. I reassure them every time they see me crying that mommy is ok, and that crying is natural and will help mommy feel better. Now, if I was doing this every day for several days or weeks in a row, then they would have a hard time believing me. Or, they would grow up with a warped sense of what "normal" crying is. But these days are very few and far between. It usually means that I am about to have another breakthrough in this pain disorder. When the pain suddenly intensifies to the point where I can barely walk and I am crying all over the place, I can usually bet that when it finally breaks, I am that much closer to being completely healed.
Sometimes, I just need to let the love that Jesus has for me overwhelm me, like right now. He is healing me slowly and steadily, with great care and compassion. He pushes me, but never beyond what I can bear. There are times when I think that I am going to just die from the pain. Yet, in the midst of it, I feel his arms around me and I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "I am with you." Whenever I hear that, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's true. He is preparing me for something that is way bigger than I could ever imagine. I have chosen to remain faithful to Him instead of getting angry and throwing tantrums at the fact that he hasn't just snapped his fingers and healed me instantly. I used to do that and it got me nowhere. I would see all these "other people" being healed instantly and I would ask, "Why not me God? I've been in pain for so long and they've only been in pain for one day!", or whatever the case was. Faithfulness and desperation move the heart of God, not selfishness and tantrums. I want to move the heart of God, not grieve it.
When I think back on all the times I've grieved the Holy Spirit, I wonder, "What was I thinking?" It makes me sad to think of making Him sad. He has done so much for me; he has protected me, he has blessed me when I didn't deserve it, he has provided for me in every way. He deserves nothing but my best. He deserves my undying faithfulness and worship and I will forever seek to never grieve him again. Here's the beautiful thing: I will fail, and that's ok. I've said that before. I'm not aiming for perfection, because that's just not possible. But, God looks at my heart and he sees that it's for him. Everything I do is for Him. That's the hard part at times. I know God has called me to things that scare me, challenge me, and push me. What he has called me to requires sacrifice, and we all know how fun that can be. However, what I've gone through and what I'm going through right now are all preparation for what he's going to use me for. It's all for His glory and I consider myself blessed to be part of His plan. Does it make the pain any easier to deal with? Sometimes I guess. But, pain is not fun at all. Especially when you have two very energetic little girls to take care of and entertain. I want to be down at the pool, or at the park. Instead, we are having a movie marathon and eating chocolate chips together.
What matters most is that my children know I love them and that I'm ok, even when I'm in pain. I want to be an example to them and leave a legacy of strength, courage, and determination. I don't want them to pity me, I want them to learn compassion, which they already have. I want them to see that even though pain has been a part of my life, it will never "be" my life. If you are going through something that has you struggling just to make it through the day, or even the next hour, remember that there is a God in Heaven who loves you. He will be with you wherever you go. Rest secure in that and just keep breathing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)