When God Says Nothing...Or Does He?

Last Sunday night, I had the privilege of hearing Chaplain of the Senate, Barry Black, speak at our church. The title of his message was, "When God Says Nothing." He told us his story about growing up with an alcoholic father and how every day for sixteen years his mother would gather he and and his siblings to pray for his father to stop drinking. During that entire time, his Dad just kept on drinking and God said nothing. Eventually, he gave up praying. He would sit there listening to his mother and siblings pray, but his heart had hardened because he never saw any answers. He lost touch with him and went on to his career. One day, several years later, he was asked to preach somewhere and at the end of the service, he did an alter call. He looked up at the people who were coming up front, and there in the middle of them was his father. Instead of being overjoyed, he was thinking to himself, "Here are all these people in suits and dresses, and here comes my father in his overalls!" He was laughing when he was talking to us and he said, "Now if God can use me; a hardened vessel who had given up praying, then he can use anyone to lead people to Jesus." It really was an amazing story.

He had other stories of times when he really needed an answer from the Lord, but got nothing. Then, he began to tell stories of times when he was earnestly praying and God answered before his prayer was even finished. Those were the times when his heart was in the right place. He gave us some reasons why God can be quiet sometimes:

1. Sometimes God is quiet because of our own sin. Isaiah 59:1-2 says, "Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."
2. Sometimes we're just not ready for what he has to say.
3. Sometimes it's because we are praying with improper motives. We need to get to the place where we have a servant's heart and we don't care who gets the credit.
4. Sometimes it's because of our unbelief and lack of faith.

Whatever the reason, God is God. He knows when and how to answer us. He may not always move when we want him to, but he WILL move, if love is our motivation. God is still listening to us even when he doesn't answer us, or when we think he hasn't answered. He could very well be answering our prayers even as we pray them, but if the answer we're looking for isn't appearing before our very eyes exactly the way we prayed for it, then we think he hasn't heard us. Let Him decide how he answers your prayers. He knows what is best for us. Sometimes, we need to cry out in desperation when we are needing to hear from Him.

I was at that place a couple days ago. I was dealing with a situation where I was really scared about something. I needed to hear from the Lord. As soon as I got home, I just cried out to God for him to show me something in His Word that would answer and comfort me. He told me to read Psalm 11. I read the theme of the passage first, "God's rule provides stability in the midst of panic. Because we can trust him, we can face our problems." I burst into tears even before I read the scriptures. He heard me and he answered me!

Psalm 11:1-7 says, "In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me: 'Flee like a bird to your mountain. For look, the wicked bend their bows; they set their arrows against the strings to shoot from the shadows at the upright in heart. When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?' The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord is on his heavenly throne. He observes the sons of men; his eyes examine them. The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot. For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face."

David was forced to flee for safety several times. Being God's anointed king didn't spare him from injustice and hatred from others. Just like we are not immune to the enemy's attacks against us, even though we are God's precious children. This psalm may have been written when he was being hunted by someone. He fled, but not as if all was lost. He knew God was in control. Even though he wisely avoided trouble, he did not fearfully run away from his troubles. Faith in God keeps us from losing hope and helps us to resist fear. David was comforted and optimistic because he knew God was greater than anything his enemies could bring against him. Here is what my commentary says about verses 4 & 5: When the foundations are shaking and you wish you could hide, remember that God is still in control. His power is not diminished by any turn of events. Nothing happens without his knowledge and permission. When you feel like running away - run to God. He will restore justice and goodness on the earth in his good time. God does not preserve believers from difficult circumstances, but he tests both the righteous and the wicked. For some, God's tests become a refining fire, while for others, they become an incinerator for destruction. Don't ignore or defy the tests and challenges that come your way. Use them as opportunities to grow.

This psalm spoke to me because I was starting to let fear and panic overtake me. When God heard me and answered me, he reminded me that I don't have to be afraid of anything the enemy throws at me because He is on my side. I was about to let the test become an incinerator of my faith, rather than a refining fire. But, I chose to rise up in faith instead of crumble in fear. As a result, I ended up doing some major devil butt-kicking and what I was praying about was resolved. We MUST trust in the Lord at all times. We must not shrink back in fear when the enemy tries to overtake us. He is under our feet and we have all authority in Jesus' name to kick him out of our home. Take your place and be ready to fight. Get in the Word, meditate on it day and night. Joshua 1:8-9 says, "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Rise up in faith! You will see your prayers answered!

Our Children Really Do Listen

I've been teaching my four (almost 5) year old about helping people in need over the past several months. Sometimes she learns by a quiet sit-down conversation with me where we talk about those who can't afford food or clothes or a home to live in. Sometimes she learns by me screeching at her when she turns her nose up at the lovingly prepared, organic, and delicious meal I've made for her. I never thought I'd actually hear these words come out of my mouth, "You WILL eat your food because there are starving children who don't have any food. They would be grateful just to eat our garbage and here you are not even wanting to put your food in your mouth and try it!?!" Instead of those words having the impact on Hailey that I was hoping for, she just exploded into giggles and said, "Mom, people don't eat garbage. That's just silly." So, then we go back to the sit down discussion about how there are people who really do eat garbage and it's not funny. Sigh.

What brought this subject up this morning though was actually really cute. Hailey has been potty trained for two years, but not so much at night still. So, she wears pull-ups. She has really been wanting to try not to wear them at night and see if she can stay dry until morning. We tried this several times, but I was having to change her sheets in the middle of the night several nights in a row. Because I am a person who turns into a monster when woken up out of a dead sleep to, "Moooooommmmm, my bed is all wet again! Can you come change my sheets?", I decided to try compromising with her. She gets to wear her underwear, but she has to wear a pull up over them until she can keep them both dry for seven nights in a row. Then, she can try again with just underwear. So, last night was the fourth dry night. She came running up to me this morning and shouted with glee, "Look Mommy, my undies are dry AGAIN! Look, I'll show you!" Then she proceeded to pull them down and show me, as I was opening my mouth to say, "It's alright, I believe you." But, I've learned that my daughter is very big on proving things to me with evidence. So, ok fine.

Anyway, I clapped and cheered and said, "Great job sweetie, only three more nights and we can try again without the pull-up!" She said, "Yeah, and then we can give my pull-ups to all the kids that are living in the dirt! Oh, and maybe a little bit of food too." I said of course we could do that. It caught me so off guard, as my children often do. I was so happy that the first thing she thought of was giving her pull-ups to children who lived in the dirt. Where she got the "dirt" part, I don't really know. But, I was very proud of her. See, what we think our children are not listening to, they really are listening to. My children have very compassionate hearts and I am so glad. Guess I'm doing a good job after all. : )

Huff 'N Puff

Why do I find parenting so difficult these days? Seriously, I am really wondering if I was truly meant to bear children. I am now 100% in agreement with the statement that children show you what your weaknesses are. Man, is that the truth! Just when I think I'm doing a pretty good job, I fly off the handle again. Of course, it could be the fact that I have the worst toothache I've ever had that is shooting pain down my neck and into my collar bone. I have a screaming headache because my eyes are still blurry and I'm squinting, even though I'm really trying hard not to. I am really fighting against worrying about my vision getting sharp enough to truly never need glasses again. I am about to have a visit from my monthly terrorist (My apologies to any men who may be reading this. But hey, you have women in your life so you know it just comes with the territory.) I just got a holy butt kicking from God yesterday so I am full of emotions about that. Don't get me wrong, it was a good thing. I needed to hear it. But, how many of you know that while instruction from the Lord is wonderful, conviction sometimes isn't such a wonderful feeling? I didn't say condemnation, I said conviction. The Holy Spirit doesn't condemn us, but he corrects and convicts. So, perhaps it's my physical pain coupled with my emotional overflow that has me in such a tizzy and feeling like a terrible mother. Well, terrible is a strong word I suppose. I know I am not a terrible mother. I just wish I could get a grip and never yell at my kids ever again.

I get a wonderful magazine every couple of months that is meant to uplift mothers and encourage them in their high calling of motherhood. It does encourage me...most of the time. Then there are days like today when I wonder why I am not more like these other women. These are mothers of seven children or more, usually up to ten. And they want even more than they already have! AND they home school each and every one of them and grow all their own food as well. Well, not all of them grow their own food, but a lot of them do. It's everything I can do to just make it through the day with two kids, let alone ten. Maybe I shouldn't read this magazine anymore. I should be inspired thinking that if these women can do it, then what am I whining about? Instead, I am left feeling even more like there is something wrong with me. Please understand, I love my children with all my heart. I would die for them, I want only good things for them, I see Jesus in them. But, am I wrong for only wanting two? I am trying to teach them the ways of the Word, but am I being an example of Christ to my kids? I think I do a pretty good job most days, but not today.

I don't expect perfection of myself, and I certainly don't expect it of my kids. Most of the time they are just being two and four with normal behaviors that one would expect of children their age. Then there are other times when I wonder who has taken control of them and I think that there is no way these screaming, kicking, spitting children could come from ME. And then I pause and evaluate me and my behavior. How do I process life sometimes? Just like my screaming, whining, kicking children. I become "childish" instead of "childlike". (I talked about the difference between these two in an earlier post.) I imagine that Jesus is looking down at me and wondering the same thing I wonder about my kids. "What in the world is she freaking out about? Doesn't she know that I'm right here to help her? Why is she whining and complaining? All she has to do is just come before me and boldly, without whining, and tell me what she needs. I am ready to answer her. I already know what she needs. I long to give it to her, but I need her to calm down so that she can hear what I have to say. Please, Tracie, just calm down and I will help you. I will give you the peace and rest that you need."

Now, I don't know if that is what Jesus is thinking, but that's what I think sometimes when my kids are freaking out. I long to solve their problem and help them but, I can't do anything for them while they are in freak-out mode. And I certainly don't feel the desire to make all their wishes come true when they come at me with that whining tone that grates on my nerves even more than nails on a chalkboard. It angers me to my core after twelve straight hours of whining and fighting. They love each other so much and yet they fight like crazy. I'm sure my sisters and I were the same way, but my memory is a bit fuzzy about that. I do remember when we were older and were fighting, my Dad would put us all in one of our bedrooms and tell us we couldn't come out until we had resolved whatever issue we were having with each other. We'd start out with our arms folded, huffing and puffing (in fact, my Dad used to call me "huff 'n puff".) Gee, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in the case of my four year old, Hailey. We've just begun the folding of the arms and the huffing and puffing. It's really great. Anyway, my sisters and I would start out that way and then in a matter of a half an hour, we'd be giggling and whispering and we'd emerge from the room as best friends all over again. My kids are too young for this tactic, but I'm hoping one day that it will work for them. At this point, frequent breaks from each other seem to work the best.

I guess I just want to be a better parent, and I need to stop whining about it and just go to God and ask him boldly for HIS wisdom on how to parent MY children. There are tons of books and articles and web sites out there that tell you how to parent. But they don't know my kids, they don't live with my kids. They don't know exactly what my children need. What works for them will not always work for everyone else. I need to go to the One who created my kids, who loves them more than I do. He is the ultimate parenting resource. He is the ultimate parent. I have a wonderful earthly father who I admire greatly, but Jesus is my Abba Father. He created me, he knew me before I was even a thought in my parents' mind. He must have known that I would be suitable for parenthood. The doctors told me that I may never be able to have kids for various reasons, but I knew I was going to be a mother. It is my highest calling. No matter what the other callings on my life are, they will never be more important than raising godly children. If there was ever a generation that needs to be trained in the ways of the Lord, it's now. They must be prepared for what lies ahead. It is my job to get them ready for whatever the Lord will call them to do. My children are anointed by God. I have known that since the day they were born. I trust the Lord that He will give me what I need to train them up in the way they should go.

I apologize for my earlier ranting. I feel much more peaceful after getting some things off my chest. I am now going to enjoy a lovely bowl of soup so that I don't have to chew. I will be calling a dentist tomorrow and will hopefully put an end to this toothache very soon. Press on my fellow mommy's. We will make it and we will see the fruits of our labor emerge from our beautiful children.

Believe

I was reading today in the book of Acts about Peter's miraculous escape from prison. I won't type the entire story, but you can read it in Acts 12:1-18. Basically, King Herod had arrested some Christians with the intention of persecuting them. He was partly Jewish and he persecuted the Christians in order to please the Jewish leaders who opposed them, hoping that it would solidify his position over the territories he ruled. He had James, the brother of John, killed by the sword. When he saw that this made the Jews happy, he arrested Peter as well. Peter was arrested during the Feast of Unleavened Bread, the week-long festival directly following Passover. This was a strategic move by the King because there were more Jews in the city than usual and Herod could impress the most people that way. Verse 5 says, "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him." Herod intended to bring him to trial, and I'm sure his plan was to have him executed as well. But, the earnest prayers of the believers changed the outcome of his situation.

The night before Peter was set for trial, he was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and there were armed guards at the entrance. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. He told him to get up quickly and the chains fell off his wrists. Then the angel told him to put on his clothes and sandals, wrap his cloak around him and follow him. Peter did what he was told, but he thought he was seeing a vision. He didn't think what the angel was saying and doing was really happening. The angel led him past the guards, and the iron gate that led to the city opened by itself. They went through it and when they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him. Verse 11 says, "Then Peter came to himself and said, 'Now I know without a doubt that the Lord sent his angel and rescued me from Herod's clutches and from everything the Jewish people were anticipating.' "

You have to picture this scenario. Here the guy was thrown in prison for no reason other than he was a Christian, he was stripped, beaten, locked in chains, and basically was awaiting certain death. He gets woken up out of a dead sleep by an angel who pokes him in the side. He didn't gently rouse him and speak quiet soothing words. He poked him hard and said, "Get up! Get your clothes on and follow me." No wonder Peter thought he was dreaming. The guards were still all around him. So, he's basically sleep walking through the city until the angel takes off and he's left alone in the dark. I love how verse 12 starts. "When this had dawned on him, (meaning, that the Lord had just rescued him)..." How long do you think he stood there wondering what the heck was going on? I mean seriously, what would be going through your head?

So, he goes to the house where everyone was gathered, praying for him to be set free from prison. He knocks on the door at the outer entrance and a servant girl came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed that she ran back to the others without even opening the door and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" They told her she was out of her mind. When she kept insisting that it was him they said that it must be his angel. But Peter kept on knocking (I wouldn't have been so patient), and when they opened the door and saw him, they were astonished! Peter motioned with his hand for them to be quiet and he went in and told them how the Lord had rescued him. Here they were, praying for Peter's release, and yet when he showed up at the house they were completely shocked. Why were they shocked? Their prayers were answered even as they were praying. But when the answer arrived at the door, they didn't believe it.

How many times do we do the same thing? We pour our hearts out to God and sometimes even cry out in agony with our prayers. Then, when they are answered, we are surprised. Like, oh my gosh, I can't believe God listened to me! Why wouldn't he listen to you? He loves you. His very desire is to bless those who earnestly seek him. We should be people of faith who believe that God answers the prayers of those who seek his will. When you pray, believe you'll get an answer. And when the answer comes, don't be surprised, be thankful! That's why I've named my blog, "It's Not Weird, It's Just God." I hear so many people say, "That's weird. I don't understand why I suddenly have extra money in my bank account." Or, "That's weird. When my brother went back in for a repeat cat scan, the tumor was gone." It's not weird, it's God! He is in the business of answering prayers. He says to seek and we will find, knock and the door shall be opened, ask and it shall be given to you. It doesn't always mean that it will be answered exactly how we think it should be answered. We have to trust Him that he knows what is best for us. His timing is perfect, not ours.

If you are believing God for something, then keep on doing just that: believing! Believe with no doubt in your heart that God will hear you and answer you. He will not fail you! Oh, by the way, King Herod ended up dying what was considered to be one of the worst deaths. He was eaten by worms from the inside out. Pretty nasty, no? The enemy after our souls has an even worse fate ahead of him. We can rejoice knowing that our suffering will come to an end and Satan IS already defeated. He may be allowed to mess with us for now, but our lives belong to Jesus. We are His and we have won!

Success!

Yay! I can finally see well enough to write again! My eye surgery went very well and the doctor told me yesterday that my eyes are completely healed. Now it's the waiting game of how long it will take for my vision to become sharper. I'm told it takes a week or two before you can see really clearly. It's getting better by the day, but slowly. I am fighting the urge to worry. I was very encouraged yesterday by a couple of girls in my mom's group who had the same surgery a couple years ago. They told me not to freak out, that my vision WILL get clear and sharp. I am going to believe them and just wait patiently. I seem to have a constant headache though from squinting. I have to consciously not squint to see. So, time will tell. At least I am functional, with the exception of driving. I'm not confident enough to drive yet, but hopefully soon. I'm now thinking that I should have bought stock in eye drops. Holy cow! They are a life saver though.

It's so amazing to wake up in the morning and be able to read my alarm clock...and see my husband's face clearly! That is, after I remove what my husband lovingly refers to as my "Bono bug glasses" (as in, U2.) I get to wear these lovely plastic eye shields taped to my face all night so that I don't rub my eyes. They really are quite comical and my kids are going to have a great time playing with them come Friday. Hmmm...maybe I will post a picture. Only three more nights. I can handle it. At least I was able to get out of the house yesterday. I felt like I'd been living in a cave since Thursday. Thank goodness the light sensitivity is getting less and less now.

A friend of mine picked me up after my eye doctor appointment and took me to mom's group. It was our last one for the summer, so I really wanted to be there. I wore my sunglasses almost the whole time, but hey, it's cool to be a rock star for a day! Then I came home and rested until Josh got home with the girls. The same lovely friend picked me back up after dinner for another cell group. It was so awesome to meet some new women and we had a great time! If you aren't involved in any kind of cell or mom's group, you should be. It is so incredibly uplifting! If there isn't one available in your area, maybe you can start one. Just something to think about. Women helping other women is very powerful.

I was trying to think of something really profound to write, but I don't really have anything. I was so nervous on Thursday, but the Lord was with me the whole time. Even though I felt nervous, I had a peace that I couldn't explain. I knew God was with me. I knew everything was going to be OK, and it was. I read a quote a while back that greatly impacted me. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain." I have had to put this into practice over the past few months. You know what? It works! I have faced certain fears lately and as I face them, and then conquer them, it builds my faith and fear is dying. What have I to fear anyway? Jesus promises that he will never leave us or forsake us. We can trust him. He has never let me fall. That reminds me of a song I wrote several years ago during some of my darkest hours. I will leave you with the lyrics.

I'm Protected

Lord, I'm seated at your feet
Your hand is on my head
And I'm protected, I'm protected
Whom have I to fear
For you are always near
And I'm protected, I'm protected

So why do I question you
You have never let me down
I long for your presence to
Constantly surround me

Lord, you've set me on a rock
I'm not afraid to stand
I'm protected, I'm protected
You are waiting patiently
You're holding out your hand
And I'm protected, I'm protected

So why do I question you
You have never let me fall
Help me Lord to take your hand
And answer your calling, you're calling me

Now I know sometimes it's hard to do
So help me to have faith in you
Oh I will have faith in you

And I will not question you
You have never let me down
I long for your presence to constantly surround me
And I will not question you
You have never let me fall
Help me Lord to take your hand and answer your calling, you're calling me

No More Glasses or Contacts!

This will be my last post for the next few days. I am having laser vision correction tomorrow morning! Woo hoo! I am very excited about this, but I admit I am also nervous. These are my eyes we are talking about...kind of an important part of the body. I know that everything is going to be just fine. My wonderful hubby will be holding down the fort while I am recovering. I'm told that the recovery is pretty easy. I sure hope so. My husband is wonderful, but he doesn't have much patience for whining. Well, he's going to have to grow some really quickly. My girls are the masters at whining these days. Sometimes I want to just lock myself out on the balcony where I can't hear it anymore...or lock them out there, ha ha. I would never do that because we live on the tenth floor and I panic when I'm right out there with them. Guess I'll have to do with earplugs.

I would appreciate your prayers very much. The part that I'm most nervous about is having to keep my head completely still and stare at the red light while the laser is working. If I look to the left or to the right, it will throw the laser off. Definitely don't want that to happen. Also, the idea of having my eyes taped open kinda gives me the willies. But again, it's going to be so quick I probably won't have much time to think about it. The beauty of it is that I get to take a wonderful pill an hour before the procedure that will totally relax me. Then I get to come home and take sleeping pills and sleep all day....doctor's orders. If there was ever a time to get caught up on the sleep I've missed over the past five years, now is the time! So, the girls will be at preschool for the day and my husband will be having an X-box 360 marathon. Yay for him. At least I won't have to listen to the sounds of war games and the screeching tires on the racing games I love so much. (Heavy sarcasm injected here.) He will need the relaxation because as soon as the girls get home, he's Mr. Mom for the weekend. Please pray for him too. He will probably need it more than me.

So, take care everyone and I will post as soon as I can to tell you how I'm doing. I pray you have a wonderful weekend!

Wonder

Do you ever stop to wonder at God's creation? Some definitions of the word "wonder" are: surprise mingled with admiration or curiosity, to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel, an event inexplicable by the laws of nature; a miracle. Every day, my children wonder at something. They stop on the sidewalk (sometimes tripping the people who were walking behind them) to investigate a bug. They collect leaves from the ground and study them intently. They look at the birds in the air and are amazed at how they can fly. Remember when you used to catch a caterpillar or a roly-polie and put it in a jar with a leaf or some grass, maybe a stick? I remember watching fireflies and trying to catch them in my hand. I was reminded today that I need to stop and wonder at the creation of God. How magnificent it is.

I love clouds. This morning, I was in a hurry to get the kids dressed so we could head out the door to my mom's group. I rushed to open up the blinds and barely glanced at the sky. However, I did a double-take. There in front of me were three sets of clouds that were exactly the same size and pattern. The sky was mostly whiteish-gray, but set apart were three wispy purple swirls all in a row. I got an image in my head of the Lord sitting in Heaven painting the skies of the earth. It took me by surprise. I was in wonder. Sometimes I think God really does paint the sky for us. It's his way of saying, "I love you. I wanted to show you something special today, just for you." He knows I love clouds, so he painted some for me. It really was amazing to see three clouds in a row, the exact same color and pattern, right there in the middle of the sky.

I get so busy as a mother; the endless piles of laundry and dishes, the floors laden with the snacks of the day, or even a couple days' worth. Who knew that two children could turn solid pieces of food into a million tiny pieces faster than I can blink my eyes? The bills that need to be paid, grocery lists to make, cards to mail, vacuuming, dusting, the list goes on and on. Oh yeah, and being a wife as well. When do I have time to make my husband feel special and focus on him? Fortunately, I am married to a wonderful man who understands the demands that are on me every day. In fact, we are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary today! I know he will never know exactly what it feels like to be a mother, but he is very involved in our children's lives. He gives me a lot of grace and I am so thankful for him.

You know, Jesus says that we are supposed to have a child's-eye view of the kingdom of God. In Matthew 18 he says that those who will humble themselves like little children are considered the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. We are supposed to stay "heaven minded" instead of "earthly minded." If we keep our focus on earthly things all the time, such as the tasks of the day or our next promotion, we will lose our wonder and our joy. I'm not saying that we should just throw caution to the wind and ignore our responsibilities, or that it's wrong to want a promotion. That would be foolish. We are not to be childish, we are to be childlike. Childish means - puerile, weak, silly, lack of maturity. It refers to characteristics that are undesirable and unpleasant: childish selfishness; outbursts of temper; infantile reasoning or behavior. Childlike means - like or befitting a child; as in "childlike trust"; "dewey-eyed innocence"; "listened in round-eyed wonder"; meek; submissive; dutiful, candor. It refers to characteristics that are desirable and admirable.

We need to sit on the grass with our kids and wonder at the tiny flowers and insects. We need to lie on our backs and look at the clouds in the sky with wonder and amazement. As the old saying goes, we need to "stop and smell the roses." My kids love to look at the moon. They are in awe every time they see it. Sometimes when I'm really tired at night and I'm in a hurry to get the kids in bed, I get aggrivated when Sarah wants me to open the blinds so she can see the moon. I find myself thinking, "What is the big deal? It's just the moon!" And then I think, "Wait a minute. Just the moon? What a miracle the moon is. What a miracle our solar system is." So, I open the blinds and watch her face light up in wonder. It makes her day, and mine.

So today, I challenge you to stop for a second and see the world through the eyes of your children. If you don't have children, try to remember what it was like when you were a child. Be amazed. Be in awe of the creation and it's Creator. May we never get so caught up in the duties of being a mother that we forget to wonder like the children he has entrusted to us. Just the fact that he entrusted me to be a mother is wonderment enough for me.

Some of My Story

This post is probably going to be a long one. Actually, a lot of my posts are long....smile. But, this one will be longer. I shared with you in an earlier post that I have been in and out of wheelchairs for about the past 15 years. I wanted to explain why. I'm going to be very honest and open with you in the hope that someone may benefit from my story. So, here goes. I used to be a very fearful person. I say "used to" because I have greatly improved in this area. I still struggle with fear, but I've learned over the years that what I fear most about a situation usually never comes to pass or, if it does, it's not nearly as bad as what I imagined it would be. When I say I used to be a very fearful person, this is what I mean. When I was a little kid, if I got a headache, I thought I had a brain tumor, if I saw a dark van drive by while walking home from the bus stop, I thought someone was going to pull over and kidnap me, if I lost my voice, I thought I was never going to get it back and never be able to sing again. I hated driving in the snow because I thought for sure we were going to spin out and crash into something and be killed. Every time the eye doctor told me my prescription was getting worse, I was sure I was going to go blind. (I guess I could blame that one on Little House On The Prairie.) You name it, I was afraid of it. It was a horrible way to live. I had so much stress and anxiety all the time. I never took risks like my friends did, so I got teased for being a scaredy cat. I was always worried that I would get some incurable disease of some kind, or hurt myself and become handicapped. Well, that fear actually came true.

I have a chronic neurological syndrome called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, also called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome. You can read about it here. It took ten years for me to be diagnosed. Had my doctors known about it earlier, I probably would have been able to stop the progression of it. As a result, I am now in the chronic phase. I have nerve damage, muscle damage, constant muscle spasms, ostopenia, etc. Some of my earlier symptoms have gone away, and new symptoms have come up over the past few years. It is extremely painful and depressing. I have had to fight against depression and anxiety sometimes on an hourly basis. Fortunately, two years ago I finally discovered the root of my disorder and have been able to heal so much over the last year. There is another syndrome which drives disorders such as CRPS, fibromyalgia, migraines, etc. It may not be the case for everyone, but it was for me. It's called TMS, or Tension Myositis Syndrome. Basically, I had been supressing painful emotions for years and years and my body finally couldn't take it anymore. It had to create a distraction of physical pain to cover up the emotions that were threatening to take over. I have no doubt that this syndrome was present in my life even before I hurt my foot, which was the beginning of a life I never dreamed I'd live.

I was raised as a pastor's kid. I was raised with unbelievable support and love. I was taught all my life that I didn't need to be afraid because God was with me. I was taught that I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath. I was taught that I am a daughter of the King and that I don't have to listen to Satan's lies. I knew the truth, but I didn't practice it. Not truly. I know now what worry and stress can do to the human body. Fortunately, I finally GOT it. I'm not saying that I never get worried or stressed. If you've read my earlier posts, you'll see that it's still a daily struggle for me. But, I don't let it get the better of me anymore. I have to be careful not to dwell on all the "what if's." What if I would have never gone on that hike? What if I wouldn't have lied to my parents? What if I would have just trusted God in the first place? Where would I be now? For the longest time, I felt like this disorder was punishment for all the sins I'd committed. I would yell at God and throw lots of pity parties for myself. I felt free to invite everyone around me to my pity parties as well. I lost all hope for a normal life without pain. I lost a lot of friends, I lost the man I was so sure I was going to marry, I lost the first man I did marry, I lost a lot of sleep, a lot of joy and a lot of myself.

I went through a mourning period a few years back for everything I'd lost. I mourned for my 20's. While all of my friends were away at college having a great ol' time, I was in bed in so much pain I couldn't see straight. My friends would still invite me to do things, but after having to cancel on them so many times, they finally just stopped asking. I looked "normal" on the outside. I didn't have the appearance of someone with a crippling disorder. It was really hard for my friends to grasp the severity of what I was going through. I think that's why I lost some of them. I would always try to put on a happy face and pretend like I was fine. What I should have done was just be honest and tell them the truth about how much pain I was in. But, I was too full of pride to do that. They got to wear the cute little black dresses with the strappy heels, run barefoot on the sand, swim all day, waterski, snowski, dance all night, etc; all the things I couldn't do. I was tired of always having to wear pants because I couldn't wear shoes without socks. My shoes were big and bulky and had to be very supportive. I couldn't walk barefoot, I still have a hard time with that. The bottom line was, I felt ugly. I felt like an outcast. I felt like my dreams of becoming a professional singer were totally squashed. All of the visions and dreams I had for my future were scattered to the wind.

I had forgotten one of the most important things that I was taught growing up. I forgot that what mattered most was how God sees me, not how others see me. That his precious thoughts toward me outnumber the grains of sand on all of the beaches in this world. I saw myself so totally opposite of how He sees me. I saw myself as beaten, worthless, a failure, ugly and weak. He sees me as more than a conqueror, precious, a successful creation, beautiful and strong. I was focusing so much on what I'd lost, that I didn't even see the wonderful things He was doing in my life because of what I was going through. I couldn't see until many, many years after the pain began how His hand was on me the entire time. He never left me, I left him.

A few years ago, I started to recount the events that have transpired in my life because of this disorder. I saw how God used it to protect me from a path that I probably would have gone down, and would have led to nothing but heartache. He used it to birth in me a compassion for the sick and the weak that I didn't have before. It wasn't like I never felt compassion for anyone before my disorder, but now I have empathy for them, not just sympathy. He has used it to prove His faithfulness to me, to prove to myself that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. There are so many good things that have come out of it. Don't get me wrong, any time He is ready to heal me completely, I'm ready! But, in the meantime, I am focusing on Him and what he can teach me through it. I still struggle with "fitting in" and feeling pretty. I still get upset about the fact that I can't walk barefoot on the sand yet (especially now that I live in Virginia Beach!) But, I know it will happen. I know I will be healed. There is an end. He has already begun to heal me and I am confident that His plans for me are good, plans to prosper me and give me a future and a hope.

There is much more to my story, far too much for one blog so I am writing a book. I have no idea when it will be finished. With two small children, it's pretty tough to find a lot of time. But, I will finish it. I don't know if it will ever get published, but it's going to have a lot to do with my healing from the inside out. If you are walking through a valley right now, don't give up! There is hope. You may be at rock bottom. I was. I had to go there in order to get where I am today. Here is a verse I'd like to leave you with. "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord,have never forsaken those who seek you." - Psalm 9:9-10

Allow or Resist?

I received an email the other day that included the definitions of two words: allow and resist. I already knew what the words meant, of course, but when I read the descriptions it really made me think. What do I allow to come into my life, good or bad? What do I need to resist?

Allow - To let do or happen; permit: To offer a possibility; make it possible through a specific action or lack of action for something to happen.

Resist - To strive to fend off or offset the actions, effects, or force of; To remain firm against the actions, effects, or force of; withstand; To keep from giving in to or enjoying.

One thing I am having a hard time resisting is sugar. I went off sugar almost two weeks ago (except for one day a week when I get to eat one dessert.) I hate to admit it, but this has been SO hard for me this time. I did this once before right after my daughter Hailey was born. I needed to lose the extra 60 pounds I'd gained and it totally worked! I also exercised at least three days a week. I had a rockin' body... just in time to get pregnant with my second daughter...sigh. This time, it's really not to lose weight so much as it is just to feel better. I've determined that a lot of my headaches subside when I cut out sugar. So, I'm battling through. I use the word "battling" because for me, it is a battle. I am irritable, emotional, and not too much fun to be around right now. I know it will get easier as more time goes by, but right now I am not a happy camper.

One thing I have been allowing lately are thoughts of inadequacy as a mother, and the tendency to worry about the future. Those two things have really been hindering me this week. The latter part of the definition of allow says this: make it possible through a specific action or lack of action for something to happen. I have been making it possible for these thoughts to overtake me because of my lack of action. The lack of action I'm referring to is trusting God. When I don't trust Him and I try to do everything in my own strength I fail. I have to choose to resist the enemy and allow the Lord to be in control of my life. In order for me to allow the Lord to be in control, I have to take the action of trusting Him completely. I have to trust him to help me withstand the pressure of my sugar cravings, to accept his encouragement that I am a good mother in spite of having bad days, and that he already knows my entire future even before I've lived it.

It's my choice whether I'm going to listen to the devil, who hates me, or listen to Jesus, who loves me unconditionally. Hmmm...seems like an easy choice. However, we all know that it's not as easy as it sounds. Especially when "life happens" and you feel like you're going to explode. Can anyone relate to this? So, what should we be allowing in our lives? Here are a few things I'm going to start allowing to come into my life: the Peace of God that passes all understanding, compassion, mercy, thoughts of self worth, encouragement and self-discipline. Here are some things I'm going to resist in my life: chaos, disorder, worry, resentment, fear, anger, thoughts of low self worth, thoughts of unworthiness, and bad attitudes. There are many more for both things, but those are the first ones that came to mind. I have to end this post now, but I encourage you to make two lists: one for things you want to allow to come into your life, and one for those things that you want to resist. Look at it every day if you have to. We're all in this together and we WILL succeed!

Let Go Of The Reigns

Today is one of those days when I really wish I could tell the future. There are so many choices to make and it's really tough sometimes because, obviously, you don't want to make the wrong one. We aren't given a guide or a roadmap to tell us what to do or where to go in this life. We just have to navigate the best we can, (which I hate by the way.) I am a person who likes stability and control. I like things to be in order. I don't like things up in the air. But, I guess it's during times like these where you are forced to rely on the Lord and what His plans are for your life. You have to trust that He will lead you and guide you. Very rarely has he spoken to me from above and told me exactly what I'm supposed to do. It's usually that still small voice that I have to listen to, the Holy Spirit.

I can almost always tell if I'm going in the right direction by gauging how peaceful I am on the inside. If I don't feel peace, then it's usually not the right thing. However, when Josh (my hubby) first told me that we were supposed to move to Virginia, I had absolutely NO peace for several days. I was praying and seeking God during that entire time, but felt no peace. Then, on a Wednesday morning, I woke up really early and told the Lord I needed an answer that day. I was desperate to have peace about moving. I would have gone anyway, out of submission to my husband, but I really wanted to have the reassurance myself that it was what we were supposed to do. He reminded me of a prophecy that was spoken over us several years earlier. So, I dug around for my ancient walkman, put some batteries in it, got out the cassette tape, (it was recorded for us), and listened to it. I went from being completely sick to my stomach to totally excited and ready to move all within five minutes. Almost everything that was spoken over us had come to pass during that 2 1/2 year time period. It was absolutely amazing! Needless to say, I was overjoyed that I had a clear answer from God.

Then there are times, like now, where things are a bit more cloudy again. You think you may be heading in one direction and then, lurch, you're set on a different course, or you have the option to change courses. Or, an opportunity presents itself and you are trying to decipher whether or not it's from God, or a distraction to keep you from His will. This is the reason why I wish I could tell the future. I wish I knew how my decisions today will shape my tomorrow. But, because I don't know, and the decisions still have to be made anyway, I must trust that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit will help me. I know He will because Jesus promised his disciples in John 14 that even though he had to leave, the Father would send the Holy Spirit to help them and remind them of everything Jesus taught them while here on earth. That hasn't changed since that time. He did send the Holy Spirit, and he is still here to help us. Jesus said in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

So, I am going to push through the cloudy thoughts and trust that the Lord will lead me, just like he did when we moved here. We have had nothing but incredible blessings ever since. We are in the will of God, and there's no place I'd rather be.