The Faithfulness of God

I have been overwhelmed by the faithfulness of God these past two weeks. My last blog entry was actually later than the date posted because I had re-written a previous blog from Feb. 7th...several days after Feb. 7th. Anyway, on Valentine's Day, our little Sarah woke up and wasn't acting right. She had slept a full night, then went back down for a 4 hour nap. She woke up from her nap and couldn't walk more than a few steps without crying, lying down on the ground wherever she was, and falling asleep. I finally called her doctor around 2:00pm and he said to take her right in to the emergency room at the Children's Hospital. We got there and sat around for an hour and a half. Her fever was 102.5 when we first arrived. A few hours later, it was 104.7. They couldn't get it to go down for several hours. After examining her thoroughly they discovered she was severely dehydrated. That was what I thought all along, since she hadn't had a wet diaper in over 24 hours, and couldn't make tears when she cried. (Remember the puking and diarrhea from my last entry? That was the culprit.)

They began IV fluids, and finally her fever began to go down. They decided to admit her for observation for at least 24 hours. It was about 10:00pm by that time. I told Josh to go ahead and take Hailey home and put her to bed and that I'd let him know which room we were in in the morning. So, he left. My cell phone had died and I couldn't make long distance calls from the ER room. I felt more alone than I have this entire time we've been in Virginia, if that's possible. I didn't know any one's phone numbers here and, under the stress of the situation, it didn't even occur to me to get a phone book from the nurse. Even if I would have thought of it, it was 10:00 on Valentine's Day. I didn't exactly want to interrupt people's evenings, if you know what I mean.

So, it was me and a very sick baby with an IV tube in her arm who was finally sleeping peacefully at this point...for 10 minutes. That was when we had an unexpected diaper incident and I ended up with diarrhea all over my lap. Of course, I didn't have a change of clothes. We didn't go there with the intention of spending the night. I got her changed and called for the nurse. They brought me a pair of scrubs and helped me clean up. You know, I thank God for those scrubs. I was so uncomfortable and wasn't looking forward to sleeping in a chair all night, in the tight jeans. At this point, they didn't have any rooms available and had told me that we'd be spending the night in the ER room. I prepared for a very long night. I cried, and then I prayed that a room would open up. About an hour later, they came in and told us we'd be moving upstairs. God is so good.

At about 1:00am, we were moved to the 7th floor. I was so grateful to see a bed for me when we got up there. The unfortunate part about moving is that they had to repeat the vitals all over again. That meant taking blood pressure, sticking the thermometer "up there", and drawing blood. That was the worst part. They had to wrap her entire body in a sheet, with the exception of her left arm, so that she wouldn't move when they drew her blood. It was heartbreaking. I just stood over her and kissed her cheeks and cried right along with her. They had to do this 4 times over the next 2 days. She couldn't go home until her blood levels reached a certain number.

The day after we got there, my wonderful husband brought me a change of clothes, some reading material, CHOCOLATE!, my bible, and puzzles and books for Sarah. We thought we were going home that day, but we ended up having to stay another night. Josh was so thoughtful in the things he packed in my suitcase. It was a lifesaver for the next day and a half. I got my cell phone charger, which meant I could actually communicate with the outside world. That got me through the rest of the time. I found out that I have a family of friends here who really do care about me. I knew I wasn't alone.

Isn't it amazing that even though you know God is with you, just having a human voice to talk to is so needed? I was so thankful for the ability to talk to my family and friends. The rest of our time there was equally exhausting as the day before. I was happy that Sarah was doing so much better after about 24 hours, but then came the energy. That meant contending with the IV tube getting tangled up as she got more and more upset about being in that little room. She wanted to get out of there, and so did I. We finally did get to go home on Monday, her 2nd birthday. Josh had a four day weekend that weekend and we had so many things planned. In fact, he and Hailey were at the zoo on Saturday when I called to tell him I needed him to come home and take us to the hospital. They had to go without us because Sarah wasn't feeling well. I was so mad about the fact that those four days were spent at home and in the hospital instead of together doing fun things as a family. But, then I realized how much of a blessing it was that my husband was able to be with me without having to miss work. He was able to be a comfort to Hailey, who was very worried about her little sister. He was able to be on call for when we got the news that we could come home. He did all the shopping and had the house ready for us when we got home. He even got the laundry done so I wouldn't have to do it. What a precious man!

In spite of all the complaining that I wanted to do, I just couldn't go there. The reason why is because I knew my God was there with me. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength I needed to get through that weekend. He gave me grace in my feet and legs. I had virtually no pain the entire time. For those of you who know what I go through with pain, you know that is amazing. He provided my husband with wisdom to know what to pack in that suitcase that He knew would bring me joy and comfort. Never was I so happy to have a toothbrush and face wash! He loves me and he showed me with tangible evidence throughout the entire experience.

I will leave you with a portion of an article I read in Guideposts magazine yesterday. It was written by a man named John Sherrill, Roving Editor. His wife suffers from severe depression and he was telling their story about how they are coping with the situation. He went to see the first editor of Guideposts, Grace Oursler, to talk about what was going on. This is what she had to say about thankfulness and praise.

"It may sound ridiculous, but one day you'll know what I mean. Think about the difference between thankfulness and praise. Thankfulness is us-centered; when things work out the way we want, we're thankful. Praise is God-centered; praise means becoming aware of God in your life right now...even as you hear Tib crying. Praise is the beginning of healing."

I know exactly what she means by that last sentence. As soon as I started praising God, for real, from my heart, is when the Lord began to heal me two years ago. I was thankful when I began to be able to walk a few steps. I was thankful when the kids started sleeping better, so I could sleep better. I was thankful when I was able to get out of my wheelchair more. But, I praised God when I couldn't move. I praised God when the kids woke up 10 times a night screaming. I praised God when I was in so much pain that I saw flashing lights in my head that wouldn't stop even when I opened my eyes. I praised God when I missed out on parties and events that I longed to be at. It's praising him in the midst of pain and suffering that brings true healing. It's being totally, 110% committed to Him in the good and the bad. He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. I now have solid proof of that.

Sometimes we have to find God in the valley. But, he will not leave us in the valley. He doesn't want us camping out there, he wants us on the move. Even if you feel like you're only moving inches a day, stay moving! Keep yourself surrounded by people who will encourage you. Stay in the Word. Don't give up! You will see the end of your valley.

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." Psalm 18:30-33

Sick Days

Wow! What a week! We've gone from a simple, "Mommy, my tummy hurts," to 104 plus degree temperatures, to massively runny noses, to an ear infection, to the stomach flu. All in the same week! Needless to say, I'm completely exhausted and longing for the day when we can go play at the park again. We've all been going a little stir crazy in our apartment. However, Hailey and I did eat lunch on our balcony (or as she calls it, our "valcony") this afternoon. It was very windy, but worth it. It was the last bit of peace for the afternoon though because Sarah woke up from her nap covered in puke and hasn't stopped for the past 6 hours. In fact, I am listening to the hum of the washing machine for the 4th time in the past 3 hours. I went in to put Hailey to bed and smelled the infamous smell. The one where you know exactly what it is, but you don't want to turn on the light and confirm it. Well, sure enough, Sarah was sound asleep with puke everywhere. Nice huh? You know the even better part? It was lime green from the popsicle she had for dinner. Guess even the liquid diet didn't work.

Ok, now that I've totally grossed you out, I wanted to get on to what the Lord has been talking to me about today. He gave me Psalm 100 to read last night. Particularly verse 3 which says, "Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture." This is what my commentary says about this verse: "God is our Creator; we did not create ourselves. Many people live as though they are the creator and center of their own little world. This mind-set leads to a greedy possessiveness and, if everything should be taken away, a loss of hope itself. But when we realize that God created us and gives us all we have, we will want to give to others as God gave to us (2 Corinthians 9:8). Then, if all is lost, we still have God and all he gives us.

Sometimes I think it is easy to slip into our routine, our plans, our schedule, thinking that WE have it all under control. But, I have come to realize through past experience that I don't have control. I want to have control, and so I've wrestled with God a LOT in my lifetime. But, you know what? It's pretty pointless to wrestle with God, and the reason why is because He is patient and understanding. So, we can yell and scream all we want. We can run away from His calling, we can curse him, we can try to hide. But, he will always find us. And when he does, His arms are open wide, ready to receive us just as we are. Isn't that frustrating? : ) It used to bug me because I'd get caught up in the whole I'm not worthy thing. None of us are worthy of his mercy and grace, and yet He freely gives it. So, I've stopped asking God, "Why is this happening to me?" when things go wrong in life. My dad has always told me, "Jesus never said He'd tell us why things happen. He just promises that he'll be with us when they do." I have held onto that all my life. (Even though I still asked.)

There have been times in the not-so-distant past that I have wondered where God was. I was in a pit of pain and despair so deep that I didn't think I'd ever get out. And I lost much; friends, a little of my dignity, a lot of my memory, and much more. But, Jesus rescued me from that pit. He spoke to me through His word, even though I couldn't hear his voice like I usually could. He gave me scripture after scripture that got me through that time. When I read through the journals of scriptures now, I can see plainly that he was indeed with me throughout that whole terrible and terrifying experience. Sometimes we have to just keep breathing to see the faithfulness of the Lord. He is faithful, and His love endures forever. Psalm 100:4 says, "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." That means that I can trust him with my future, my childrens' future, and so on. But it's my job to trust Him. He is always there, it's us that pull away from Him.

So take heart my friends. If you feel that you can't go on, just keep breathing and you'll make it through another minute, another hour, another day. All you have to do is keep breathing. That's another thing my Dad taught me. I thank God every day for wonderful parents who have taught me so much and have been such a support to me. God knew I would need them and I will daily strive to love my girls the way my parents loved me.

Well, off to the showers. Throughout this blog I have taken at least 3 breaks to clean yet more puke and give Sarah a bath. So, I am in need of soap, LOTS of soap! Until tomorrow, sleep well. God is with you.